ń .

my marker for success will not be how well/how correctly i can suffer. i want to do more than tolerate living, i want to enjoy living. this is not a radical idea (to me). desiring a future in which i can be myself is the most sensible hope there is .

feels like i've arrived at this precipice in my life where it occurs to me i really can do whatever i wanna do, and the wide openness of that responsibility is sincerely mortifying .

my hope for us is that we always manage to be active participants in our own futures. that we do not sit back dispassionately while the days have their way .

a person's inability to treat me well is not a reflection of me . my willingness to tolerate such behavior is .

i've come to my senses about desertion. if need be, be at it .

i choose ( me ) .

. love . noun ; (1) · strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. (2) · attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness .

i love how i feel when affection is pouring out of me, when it's all over my writing, and when there is a deep chalice eager to collect me .

you could tell me that the sun is a giant fireball in some distant space. i could tell you that the sun is my love in its most extreme form. coexistence is impossible to fathom if what you're seeking is constant agreement when facts are just beliefs with bold periods attached .

i wrote something i really, really love and i feel so blessed. so amazed by my capacity to process life (or whatever simulation this is). i love my mind’s gentle inclination toward poetry in all things in life. my cognition is such a natural enhancer. a gift that keeps giving .

all in all, i just want it to be safe for me to be a true lover again. i'm severed from that skin, and i am starting to forget what it felt like to be open. i miss the version of me who painted because he was in love, who laid back watching his lady dance for him, cater him .

i remember when i used to teach my first love how to roll her blunts, and i would keep my favorite slow jams in rotation on the low and anytime we were high together we were near dancing, near floating, near fucking, at any given moment. always music underneath us. always music .

i'm absolutely in love with the love i have to give. that is why i am so eager and so despondent when i feel like i'm just soaking in surplus. too much is no luxury. wish i could communicate the beauty i feel inside my chest like new air when i hear songs love should be made to .

the problem is that no one can love me from the inside of my own mind, but that is where i need to be touched the most. it is disorienting to look into someone’s eyes and see my loneliness reflected back at me. music gets me close. writing gets me closer. that's my liberation .

i’m of the opinion that we are each deeply and profoundly alone. that’s never gonna change because we each have an isolated, beating heart wired to our insides, and we have a delicate impressionable brain bubbling behind our eyes that no one will ever have complete access to .

by the way, you ain't gotta grieve neatly. if life is tormenting you, it is imperative that you claw your way to a version of you who can withstand it, you ain't gotta accessorize your wounds. when you retrieve your spine back, learn to rather lean more towards yourself ya know .

it takes time to break bad habits and build better ones in their place. identifying where it hurts requires patience. most of us are intensely trying to undo things that took decades to coalesce, things that now feel comfortable & familiar. as always, you can't rush the process .

when i feel deeply good and rich inside, it doesn't matter how other people move. i can afford it. i'm golden. that's worth remembering. can't nothing be replicated around here, can't nothing be shaken around here, can't nothing be moved around here .

perhaps i'm finally ready to stop concerning myself with being a decent person. perhaps i'm ready to stop policing myself from the inside, overscrutinizing what i should and should not be feeling. perhaps i'm just ready to not give a fuck .