Sarah Porter

The Office is: a. A great show b. A ruthless prison that keeps me from ever watching new things c. All of the above

*Swipes card to pump gas in -10 weather* Is this a debit card? Enter zip code Would you like a car wash? Would you like a receipt? Plans for next weekend? Cats or dogs? Where'd you get that shirt? Are you single? JUST PUMP THE GAS

This is the best thing you’ll watch all day. twitter.com/haroldhilton22…

It's 2039. You live with your beautiful wife and 3 children. It's a Saturday, you have "clean garage" on your to-do list, you find a box titled "memories", you open it.. You find an old water bottle, you blow the dust off of it. It's your hydro flask.. it still has ice in it

My mom suggested to my dad that they get an artificial tree this year, and he wasn’t too thrilled 😂😂😂

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

@cocohayes You need a Kevin

Bad news: I accidentally washed a nice wool shirt that I really loved and it shrunk a LOT Good news:

Making eye contact with your dog before leaving the house & seeing the sadness in their eyes is the worst.

You ever wonder what kind of shoes Jesus would wear if he were here today? I see him as a New Balance guy.

Owner: *pretends to throw ball* Dog: *runs after it, comes back* Owner: *takes ball from behind his back* Dog:

6. This is what I'm referencing whenever I say wow vine.co/v/O2AlKFazThU

20. NOOOOO vine.co/v/i0qapF0q5nJ

21. Only the coolest can get it vine.co/v/MFFihIBAOtg

5. FUCK KYLE vine.co/v/e3l6Qe7nYZH

Impress her

Is there honestly any better feelin than hearin ur dogs wee paws tappin off the floor after u shout their name to come see u? A think not

@JellyNolden u twitter.com/femaleproblems…