cmo

The key to the universe is in my pocket but I’m just trying to unlock my car when my hands are full.

Does the facial recognition system at the airport know I was being the man last night?

“4 metrics outside of your normal range” Yeah thanks Garmin. Thanks for noticing I had 15 beers yesterday. Yeah, I usually don’t have 15 beers but I’m glad you noticed and let me know.

You ever see geese flying east or west this time of year and wonder which one is in charge of directions for the day?

Which is the correct method of payment between two people who both owe each other money?

Long term plan: win big in a class action law suit against Apple for driving with my phone between my legs.

The beacons are lit. Might just fuck around and muster the Rohirrim tonight.

Honestly still pretty wrapped around the axle on this one…

How would anyone ever really know if it’s Opposite Day?

Why is nobody talking about inflation on candle prices??? Some 21st century we live in…

Me casually thinking a zone 2 run is just running about a half notch slower than as fast as I possibly can

American Cheese is a metaphor.

Draw string bags shouldn’t be allowed for people over 25

Does Elon Musk have to go to the DMV?

Fighting Flyers Battalion executed a Leadership Lab covering the fundamentals of conducting an Attack, Raid and Patrol Base Operations/Defense. #RoadtoCST2021

Going to have more wings eaten than steps taken today. No smartwatch on the market could track that stat. #nextgenstats

Local Hero informs professor that the class can’t see the chart he just pulled up #zoom

In a silent war of attrition with my dad to see who’s gonna bring down the laundry basket first. Stakes have definitely been raised as a second basket appeared out of nowhere this morning. Updates to follow

@Houndmouth how many retweets do we need to get you guys to make a pit stop at the University of Dayton after your Indianapolis shows in April. I promise it would be worth your while. @shanebows @MaltMyers