Stew Ferrigno

My history has never had a longer 10 years. Isn’t time supposed to speed up as you get older? Because that doesn’t seem to be the case.

When you see Newsweek publishing articles with the words “national defense” in the title, and people actually taking their word as bond when they’re not bound by journalistic integrity rules (ie. They’re a tabloid.), you have even more proof that things won’t be getting better.

The president of the US decided to ban wind power in the US because the wind messes up his toupee.

Other types of power plants also kill birds. And forests. And all the other wildlife in the immediate region. And also the people. And they’re loud. So how are these arguments against wind farms effective at all on anyone but Donald John Quixote?

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People think veal is to eggs what beef is to poultry, but they forget that eggs are a fetal slurry that gets cooked firm-ish and not a young, fully-alive creature that gets confined and force-fed. And the eggs we eat are unfertilized. Fetal slurry. That’s the point.

Too bad they shut down Sora. I was gonna have it remake the FRIENDS intro. It would be called FRANS, and every character in the intro sequence would be played by Fran Drescher. And I mean it. Every single one.

How is Trump supposed to read a Bible when he can’t even read a teleprompter?

Watching a group of grown men fail over and over again while playing video games when the answer to nearly every question they ever have is written directly in front of their eyes on the screen is painfully frustrating.

The fact that it did it at all is the breakthru, but it also means that when you have to run for your life from a time-traveling terminator, you can look back to this news and realize that running won’t work. They’re faster than you. And they don’t get tired.

The story is that the robot ran the half-marathon faster than the meat bags who could tire out. The actual news is that the robot ran the half-marathon on a single battery charge faster than any natural human has or could ever do it. The calculations must’ve been staggering.

Just took the time to un-Ignore that “program real JavaScript to make your coded robots fight other coded robots” so I could ignore it a second time. Even if you love to code, you’re not gonna have a fun time waiting on your opponent to write their own.

Mister, you look like you’re itchin’ for a bitchin’!

Everyone > Anyone

Only the person who doesn’t drink caffeine or take pain relievers along with the rest of their teetotaling can talk to me about not doing drugs. Everyone else needs to change their perceptions about a few things.

Make a foldable camp stool that comes equipped with a hole and a set of bag stays so you can shit in a bag anywhere you go!

The condom comes with a hole from the factory. For the people who enjoy sex with condoms but don’t mind having kids.

Generally speaking, the people capable of surviving an apocalypse absolutely shouldn’t be running the new world. Not like they’d do a worse job. They just don’t have technical skills or know how. Those people refused to survive because that world would suuuuuuuck.

Remember y’all, when you kill a zombie, it turns into a dead human. Be certain it’s actually undead before you kill it. And get yourself a creative lawyer.

What American man in his 50s goes to the Outworld to compete in the Mortal Kombat tournament, and why would that American man in his 50s be Karl Urban from New Zealand?