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I’ll share a little bit about myself with y’all before I get to meet you in DDNYC 2026 🗽
Eh! 🇨🇦
I’ve battled with a severe eating disorder, bulimia, and over exercising for over half my life 😢
In 2020 I was a mere 79lbs fighting for my life
Recovery brought me to finding a love for bodybuilding
I’m truly blessed that God had bigger plans for me than I had for myself. I don’t know how I survived but I did.
Has it been easy? No.
Has it been worth it? Yes.
I’m double the person I once was.
Not just in body. But also in mind and spirit.
Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3.
The dark side of fitness, that no one talks about….
Everyone sees the physiques.
The stage shots.
The discipline.
They don’t see what it takes to get there.
I’m not just tired…
I’m exhausted on a level most people will never understand.
Sleep is broken.
Energy is fake.
I’m forcing my body to perform anyways.
I’ve relied on things I shouldn’t have.
Not just “supplements”
I’m talking about using substances just to feel normal.
To sleep.
To wake up.
To train.
To function.
Years of heavy PED use (performance enhancing drugs/steroids)
Years of hard dieting, and training with dreams of competing.
Years of stimulants.
Years of sleep deprivation.
Years of “this is just bodybuilding”
Drugs to kill the appetite.
Drugs to stay awake
Drugs to sleep.
There’s something for everything whether it’s street, pharmacy or performance enhancing.
It all adds up
What I think is “normal” has never been normal.
It’s only felt normal because I’m surrounded by it.
I see so many others doing the same thing.
At first, it felt like control.
Like you’ve found an edge.
Like you’re doing what others won’t.
But slowly…it stops being a choice
Your body doesn’t know how to shut off anymore.
Your mind is wired but exhausted.
And without something to “fix it”…
You feel worse than when you started.
THE PART NOBODY TALKS ABOUT 🚨
The dependency.
The burnout.
The quiet moments where you realize…..
“This isn’t healthy anymore”
I’m not proud of this phase
But I’ll never lie about it either.
Because a lot of people in this industry are living it right now and pretending they’re not.
Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way.
If your system is so pushed that you need something just to sleep, or just have energy…
You’re not optimizing.
You’re surviving.
The fitness industry has led me down a dark path..
But hopefully I’m on the right one now.
There are two sides to the fitness industry.
There’s the real health and fitness side… and then there’s the fake, drug driven side.
For a lot of years.
I’ve been on the wrong one.
Bodybuilding was the dark side.
And for me, it’s the only side I know.
I started young.
I didn’t know any better.
Take this to grow.
Take this for energy.
Take this for sleep.
Take this to focus.
Take this to burnt fat.
Take this to build muscle.
There’s always something.
The deeper I get into it, the worse it’s become.
Each year I’m more burnt out.
More exhausted.
More depressed.
More dependent.
When you’re that deep into it.
Surrounded by the same people on social media,
It doesn’t stop at performance drugs.
It bleeds into everything.
More substances.
More strain.
More damage to the nervous system.
But I thought it was normal.
The exhaustion.
The brain fog.
The poor sleep.
The loss of my menstrual cycle.
The deepening of my voice.
The extra hair growth.
The constant pressure in my head.
The unbearable body aches..
The hip fracture, the surgery, and the two month hospital stay that broke me mentally.
However, it also brought so much joy and happiness.
That’s when I met the love of my life Crashmetax. ♿️
He was such an inspiration to me from the moment I met him.
When the right person enters your life, it’s not just love, it’s transformation.
They don’t bring confusion or chaos; they bring clarity and calm.
They don’t focus on your past; they see the strength in your scars.
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