Jesus With Issues

@SerennaT Can't say until I see which kicker points up at me with the most conviction after a field goal.

@JesusWithIssues Who's got your blessing in the NFL tonight, big J.?

Glory!

@SerennaT Yes! God (that's me) I love smiting.

@JesusWithIssues Will you smite the ones that are less than adoring?

@SerennaT Dude! I've been thinking about which sports teams love me the most so I can repay them with favorable bounces of the ball. Very time consuming!

@JesusWithIssues Dude, where you been?

Glory!

Going to use my God powers to help someone climb a greased light post in Philly now. #FlyEaglesFly

I heard someone thanks me for helping them win the Superbowl. Because that’s what I do... make sure certain teams win sporting events. Glory!

Totally enjoying my birthday today. I trust you’re giving me all the glory as well. Not just some of it. Need it all. Oh, and some cake would be nice. Glory!

Glory!

Whenever I get down in the dumps, I like to remind myself that someone is driving this van around in public. Glory!

@kingchristoph63 The "you'll burn in hell for eternity if you don't love me" kind of toast. Glory!

Today, I will provide clear & concrete proof that I am... oh wait, nope. Gonna stick with "my face on toast" proof. Glory!

No matter how tough your day is going, just know that I'm here to make it worse. Glory!

Not heard at #Jointsession: easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.

Looking forward to having insurance companies from in AND out of state screw people over. So heartwarming.

Little known fact: Bible was 90% about cutting healthcare to allow tax cuts for wealthy.

Trump now taking credit for things he had nothing to do with. That's my job.

I've been fact checking this #JointAddress with same scrutiny as the Bible. Umm... yep. Everything checks out. Glory!

It's almost as if a museum w/ a T-rex riding in a boat with humans isn't super popular. Weird. wkyt.com/content/news/G…

Like I have this strange feeling that someone isn't giving me all the glory... Which is crazy because I'm supposed to have all of it.