Marc Embree

For 2019, I hope … I do not become ill. I always feel ill, and I just want it to stop! #HappyNewYear #2019Hopes

It is nearly Christmas time again and I begin to reflect on how utterly alone I am. My apartment has a big hole in it and there’s spiders and bats in my bed. My minimum wage job does not afford me to hire an exterminator.

Darn! Daylight Savings ended during my shift and they refused to pay me the extra hour!

My boss told me if the Red Sox sweep the Series, I get to sweep out the back storage room! It’s full of rat droppings!

My DNA results are in, and it looks like I’m 0.000000001% cardboard box! Now I’ll have to rethink breaking down my brothers and hurtling then into a dumpster at the end of my shift!

Ow! Daniel stapled his hands to the ceiling fan with an industrial stapler this morning. I had to cut the fan from the mount and it was a whole process. @HomeDepot

Someone’s service dog got loose in the store and bit Damien’s rear end! Now he has rabies!

It’s a great feeling when you stack all the oak planks 30 feet high and they don’t fall over and kill anybody. #HomeDepot

I AM SO PROUD. twitter.com/i/events/10293…

.@DevReXiel If I use REBIRTH to grow up, do I spend my 500 SPEED?

The doctor told me that tetanus is NOT French for “butthead.” It’s actually a serious medical condition that I’ve recently contracted. Time for the deoxidation chamber!

I fell into the public pool and landed on a nail! It was uneventful.

Happy father’s day to a big pile of leaves, because that is the only thing to embrace me on cold windy days as a child. #FathersDay

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary It was a sad day. The day I got hit in the face by a cash register drawer and had to have emergency reconstructive surgery to ensure my eyeballs did not melt out of their sockets. Now I am well!

My doctor told me I am still 19% prepubescent. The guys in the tools aisle will never let me live this down.

I crashed the forklift into the delivery truck! Oh gosh, what a mess!

Every Mother’s Day, my long lost mother Pamela sends me a small piece to a map which will eventually lead me to her exact location. I cannot wait to see her some day and give her a big hug!

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a while! I was in a coma after a cinderblock fell on my head! Owwy! #homedepot #pain

My favorite way to relax is to sit down on the display toilet with a box of mixed up screws and nails, and trying to separate them.

I fell in a bin of old nails :(