Not Boris Johnson

Like @MattHancock I too have considered pulling out. But I always change my mind, much to the chagrin of my mistresses and lawyers.

Sorry, chaps. Just sneezed.

Quick! Look over there! Oiky Gove's on the chang.

I stand erect to do my duty. I can think of a couple of good reasons why I would like Penny Mordaunt working under me as my Deputy PM.

Am standing for the leadership. Pedicabo ego vos omnes, plebs!

Yoinks!

I'm Foreign Secretary now @realDonaldTrump so I'll be popping over from drinks from time to time. Keep some on ice for me old chap!

As International Development thingummy, @patel4witham will be working under me.

Have fired up Google Maps and am ready for the role.

Looking forward to hearing which top cabinet post @michaelgove will get. Oh.

Yoinks! Right. Who has the map of Bongo Bongo Land and Pickaninny Island?

Hoping that IDS's intern @patel4witham will now transfer to my office. I know @ZacGoldsmith would like her too.

Look chaps, I just want to back @ZacGoldsmith by saying he really loves a chicken korma and once ate two vegetable samosas in one sitting!

Hoping that Julia Hearty-Bosom will have me as a regular on her new radio show. @JuliaHB1

Am I hotter totty than Dave when it comes to the in-out, in-out? #Brexit

My friend saw someone with this tattoo yesterday and I cannot stop thinking about it

Futue te porcus, Dave. #pmqs

UKIP filly @SuzanneEvans1 kicked off the UKIP bus. Nearly as hot as dirty mouthed @Janice4Brexit I suggest @PennyMordauntMP as replacement.

Congratulations to my fellow blond @realDonaldTrump for his success last night! We shall soon be meeting as leaders of our countries.

Surely the fillies don't need pensions. What kind of country has Dave made? #pmqs