Mamas

Don’t sell house. (It was free and clear and I’m dumb 😭).

To whoever roofied my 19 espresso martini’s at the company party last night. Not cool.

Do you even pump up the jam bro

She should get to be in a Tombraider remake bc her body is IT

I don’t care where I am, as soon as I hear that Preach by Dolph I turn into a completely different person. Very unladylike 😂

AYE AM NOHT YOUUHH HOOHSBUND, REMEMBAH?

Using terminally online phrases on people who don't use social media is a risky move because it's a 50/50 between getting deadpan stares and making everyone's ribs crack with how hard they're laughing

this or nothing

A woman who triggers your ego. Might actually be the one trying to heal it. Because she’s not reacting to the man you pretend to be. She’s responding to the man underneath the mask. And a truth like that either humbles a man. Or sends them running.

bring back 3 am “i know you sleep but” paragraphs #reallovers #yearning

Uber driver: *drops me off at the wrong location* Me (shy): "This is perfect"

A second elephant has hit the room

Me when someone tries to use beginner level manipulation on me

@SoftDom4you No no no I tried that already severely hungover - don’t recommend

@Real_KC1 Its called Goodys Powder and it exists

Why is there not snortable acetaminophen? I wanna take it and immediately feel relief.. I think taking it straight to the dome would be very beneficial.

My car was on E so I put $20 in now it’s on E+

Men love a smart and intelligent woman until she uses her brain to decode his behavior patterns and bullshit.

vyvanse just kicked in im about to Message Everyone I Know

😂 Damn my X follower count is dropping faster than Donald Trump’s approval ratings…

life isn’t about finding a boyfriend its about finding a guy to terrorise when ur drunk