Rock

Everyone: How come you got married so late? Me: 🤷🏻‍♂️

April fools doesn’t hit the same living in a misinformation epidemic

Got a letter from the HOA yesterday Actual letter In an envelope With a stamp In 2026 The letter said my trash can was visible from the street for too long on collection day The fine is $50 I checked my Ring camera The truck came at 7:03am I brought the can in at 7:14am 11 minutes $50 That's $4.55 per minute of trash can visibility My therapist charges $250 an hour That's $4.17 per minute My trash can sitting in a driveway is now more expensive per minute than therapy I looked at the letter again It was signed by the HOA president Her name is Karen Of course it is I know this woman She lives four houses down She still has Christmas lights up It's March I know because I drive past them twice a day And because that's what I do I checked the HOA bylaws All 47 pages Section 4.2 says all exterior fixtures and lighting must be seasonal and removed within 30 days of the applicable holiday Her lights have been up for 97 days I went to the HOA meeting Tuesday night 7pm In a church basement Folding chairs Fruit platter that nobody touched Seven people showed up Four of them were on the board The other three were there to complain I was there to read My wife came with me She didn't want to But she said "if I don't come you'll end up on the news" I brought my legal pad Karen called the meeting to order She talked about community standards She talked about property values She talked about the importance of curb appeal From a woman whose Christmas lights are still blinking in March I raised my hand She said "we'll take questions at the end" I said "it's not a question. It's a point of order." She looked at me I opened my legal pad I said "Section 4.2 requires seasonal decorations to be removed within 30 days. Your Christmas lights have been up for 97 days. You fined me $50 for 11 minutes of trash can visibility on collection day while you've been in violation for over three months." The room was quiet One of the other three complainers said "he's right" The board members looked at each other Karen said "that's a separate issue" I said "it's the same bylaws" She said "we'll review it" I said "I already did. Page 12. Happy to share my highlights." My wife looked at the ceiling Some things never change Karen said "I think we should move on" I said "agreed. I'll move on when the Christmas lights do." Nobody laughed I wasn't joking I paid the $50 Because it's $50 and I'm not going to die on that hill But if the rules apply to me they apply to everyone So I filed a formal complaint about the lights With photos Timestamped Funny how surveillance works both ways The fine for seasonal decoration violations is $75 per occurrence She's been in violation for 67 days past the 30-day grace period I'll let her do the math Or I'll do it for her Because that's what I do Make common sense common again Plz fix. Thx. Sent from my iPhone

Microwaves be like: Here's your hot plate of cold spaghetti.

Respectfully, I don't think cooking together is romantic. Please move tf out of my way. One person cooks, the other sits at the counter and drinks wine and says things like "that smells so good" or "I love the things you cook."

🎯 🎯 A fact I will never, ever understand.

I forgot to switch out my son’s tooth and leave money last night so instead of breaking the charade, I spent 90mins explaining that tooth fairies are federal employees and there’s currently a government shutdown.

europeans will ride a train going 200 mph through the alps while drinking wine and americans will sit in traffic on I-95 for three hours eating a gas station sandwich and say "at least i have my freedom" brother you are imprisoned by a honda accord

As a married man, I have two missions in life. To calm my wife down when she's mad and to make her mad when she's calm

@HedgeFundFomo 🔥 🔥 🔥

I hate my clients

Look no further as to why the Jets have been historically bad in every measurable category. If a GM whiffs this bad, fans should legally be able to roll out the guillotine.

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin

C'EST INCROYABLE QUE LE MOYEN LE PLUS EFFICACE D'ENREGISTRER UN FICHIER AU FORMAT PDF SOIT DE FAIRE CROIRE À SON ORDINATEUR QUE L'ON VA L'IMPRIMER

Hotels be like, "It’s $160 a night and you’re staying 2 nights, so that brings your total to $950."

Don’t worry.. Meta will get nearly a full write down on their $80BB loss and won’t pay taxes again until 2046 Meanwhile, you can’t even write off the gas & tolls it takes to get to/from your job everyday

i love it when i stump the IT guy. haha you thought this would be a quick ticket. just remote in, click one button, and make me look like a fool. but alas, i have fucked things up more than you could've imagined

I want to thank the Irish for inventing my favorite way to exit a function

How can people even be vegan? Imagine being drunk and going home to eat a carrot

maturing is realizing your mom was right but she coulda used some work on her tone

Ayo… If you gonna grab some BBQ, always get more brisket than you can eat that day. That next morning brisket and eggs gonna slap like E Honda

Scenario where #Jets take both the first QB and first non-QB off the board in the 2027 NFL Draft is much more realistic than you think. It only becomes increasingly more so the more the #Colts offseason continues to sputter. The Colts and Manning family ended the NYJ Curse.