Marty Lawrence

my wife when I'm trying to get her decide on a takeaway

just another day on this absolute hellscape

Kiss All The Time. Panic At The Disco, Occasionally.

ME: new year, nude me! MAN ON TUBE: jesus fucking christ

Still my favorite video of the last however many years. Watch it once a week

Thanks Sky!

Turns out the circle in 'Let's circle back in January' was a downward spiral.

[in lift on first day back] ME: COLLEAGUE: ME: COLLEAGUE: ME: COLLEAGUE: ME: COLLEAGUE: ME: COLLEAGUE: so how was your chri– ME: –we don't have to do this

ME: for new year's, I'm giving up FRIEND: giving up what? ME: I don't understand

we’ve put men on the moon, robots on mars and created the internet, but still we can’t invent a packet of parma ham where you can peel the meat off the plastic strips seamlessly

should have known he’d be caught up in the Epstein files. All those years of walking around with no pants on and everyone just looked the other way. Sickening.

a UK version of Australia’s under-16s social media ban except it's for anyone over 50 with a union jack in their bio

My four-year-old has been cast as a star in the school nativity and has spent the last 48 hours announcing to strangers that he is, in fact, “the star of the show.” If this isn’t the origin story of a future PR exec, I don’t know what is.

[listening to life of a showgirl to see if it's suitable for my 7 year old daughter] 🎵His love was the key that opened my thighs🎵 🎵I can make deals with the devil because my dick's bigger🎵 🎵the coke's got you brave🎵 🎵It's kind of making me wet (Oh)🎵

Transfer football accounts are all like '🚨You MUST be online at 5pm for some MASSIVE news that will send shockwaves through the world of football🚨' and then they'll just post something like 'The player whatsapped his agent earlier today📱'

whoever this tyler noel guy is who's causing autism, he must be stopped

British humour at its absolute finest

It’s always the ones you least expect

[restaurant] WIFE: you’re wearing crocs ME: so? WIFE: I hate crocs [next table] CROCODILE: I'm going over there HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff