Ultra

It’s bright, sunny and quite warm, but raining a bit on and off, and quite cold when the sun goes in. I wish I had a “bright, sunny and quite warm, but raining a bit on and off, and quite cold when the sun goes in” coat… but I don’t.

I’m branching out into motivational speaking. Join me in starting the day by repeating this message of positivity: “All of today’s disasters will be small and bearable, the people I encounter will be mostly tolerable, the weather will be suitable for most activities, and if all else fails I will always have tea and biscuits. I will have an adequate day and it’ll be bedtime before I know it. Amen.”

I’m going to be sick of summer by the time summer’s here.

“At least it can't get any worse” Well done, you just set the universe a challenge it can't refuse.

I’m so busy deciding how to waste the day that I’m wasting the day in an unsatisfying way!

Knowing a British person’s day has gone badly when you hear them say, “well isn’t that just marvellous”

Just said sorry to a cupboard door. I am Britishing strongly today.

I’d like to test that theory

Growing up British is being told you’re daft as a brush and if you don’t stop playing silly beggars and acting the goat you’ll get a clip round the ear.

Life advice: Have a cup of tea, say “ah well”, and move on.

Word of the day is ‘forswunk’ (13th century): exhausted by work. I like to add ‘foreswunk’, exhausted before you even begin.

I don’t know how to stress this enough to the culprits, but when you look at an item on a supermarket shelf, your trolley does not need to turn out sideways across the whole aisle at the same time.

“I'm not sure if I fancy it” Translation: I'd rather roll down a hill made of mousetraps.

Not officially completing any task until you've said “right, that's that done”

Spike: “A bear! You made a bear!” Buffy: “I didn't mean to!” Spike: “Undo it! Undo it!”

Fantastic weekend for cancelling plans.

Great day for looking out of the window with a cup of tea and your hand on your hip.

The news says today is a “Multi-Hazard Weather Event”. I’m old enough to remember when we’d just use the shortened version: “wet and windy”