Doug Bies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don't like

I establish dominance at Wendy’s by dipping french fries in frostys

Douchebags in pickup trucks with aftermarket loud horns are elite losers

Adults that overuse the term “spooky” are the worst

I like to roll on squeaky toys

The 3 most BOGUS events in human history: 1. The birth of Jesus. 2. The death of Jesus. 3. The resurrection of Jesus. All this effort for a work of fiction, just to manipulate people

Maybe they think this is "winning” because they don't know what winning looks like because they're a bunch of fucking losers.

Zzzzzzzzz

I’ve reached the level of marriage where I don’t even need to speak. I just sigh and my husband instinctively starts apologizing for something he hasn't even thought of doing yet.

My husband and I are having a competition to see who can hide plastic eggs in the hardest spots. Loser has to cook and clean for a week. It’s been three days. He’s currently tearing the garage apart while I watch Netflix. I haven’t hidden a single egg.

Remember, the worst people you’ll ever meet sit in the front row at church.

Tully

I enjoy long romantic walks towards extra cheddar goldfish

Austin

In two days, Christian Nationalists will celebrate the resurrection of a man they would deport

Hi

It should be socially acceptable to whip bread ends at people you don’t like

Peeps are the New Jersey of candy

Curly fries should all be as long as slinky’s

Burritos should always at least be the size of a titty