Scradley

MAN!! My boss is always "Blah blah blah", "You're late", and "Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!"

Oh, you like to use the word “whilst”? What are you, a 19th-century poet sipping tea by candlelight, penning letters with a quill? Step into the 21st century with the rest of us before you start dueling people at dawn.

“I’m going under my blanket and I’m not eating boogers so don’t check” -my 4 year old, before definitely eating boogers under a blanket

I was living in blissful ignorance of my age until this morning, when my wife referred to my balls as “sweet chariots”.

Sometimes things just snowball out of control.

🎶So much to learn about, it’ll make you wanna shout, KILL ME! 🎶

Stayed late at the office today and managed to fart in 6 of the 8 other employee’s chairs. Just over here doing the lord’s work.

When pictures of my children don’t get more than 50 likes on Instagram I make them do push ups.

“Fuck your clean counter tops” the inventor of the everything bagel.

Your upstairs neighbour is just trying to live their life. Go boil some cabbage you filthy basement dweller.

Oh you wanted a basic cooking time chart for a roast? Fuck you, here’s a story about when I was a little girl in Poland.

I wouldn’t say my toddler is a scientist, but she did figure out how long it takes to microwave a shoe, and that has to come in handy somewhere down the line.

A kid in my neighborhood threw a banana at my car today. I was upset at first, but in retrospect, Odoyle does, in fact, rule.

Got four stitches in my scrotum from an unfortunate roller skating mishap but one of my frozen pizza slices had 6 pepperonis so…. Pretty good first date imo.

There’s a secret room in Arby’s where they’ll let you punch a cow

Just two dads discussing fatherhood.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Russia will mail you a person, they don't give a fuck.

My dad doesn’t let me on his boat anymore since I rode a knife down the sail.

Pythagorasaurus was the smartest of all the dinosaurs.

Free Fish Names Part 2: Sir Anthony Hopfins Shak-eel O'neal Iggy Ascalea Minnowna Ryder Sardean Koontz Jon Bonchovie Goldie Prawn Phillip Seafloor Hoffman