Peter Hamilton

@simonnread Lost the plot again…

The job search continues. My interview to be an architect didn't go too well. I walked in and sang and danced my introduction. They rejected me saying, you obviously know how to make an entrance but it all seemed a bit of a facade.

@simonnread More clockbait…

The job search continues. I had an interview to be a clockmaker during which I had to assemble a clock from various pieces stored on shelves. I ran out of time before I got all the different bits from the shelves, and they wouldn't let me go back for seconds.

@simonnread Very humerus…

The job search continues. My book on anatomy had to be scrapped after I sent it to a surgeon for a peer review and he took the appendix out.

@simonnread No surprise here - what goes around comes around…

The job search continues. My role as a pastry chef in an Aussie restaurant ended when customers jeered when I made a light mixture of stiffly beaten egg whites and sugar, baked until crisp or used as a topping for desserts. I should have expected Australians to boo meringue.

@Kathryn_Cura Luke 2:49 And he said to them ‘Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?’ 😉

Mums birthday tomorrow and she isn’t easy to buy for, so I’ve gone a bit outside the box this year, an epic hide and seek in her house to find 50 mini Jesus’

@simonnread How dairy say that…

The job search continues. I've always done well working alone so when I was offered a job milking cows, I had to turn it down. I'm not good working with udders.

@simonnread Your career is never going to take off…

The job search continues. I was an air steward until the boss asked me how high a jet flew and I guessed "30,000, no 20,000, or is it 10,000 feet?". They sacked me for having an altitude problem.

@simonnread It was originally serialised by Dickens in two local newspapers - it was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times…

A Tale of Two Cities has been filmed seven times, with 1935's Ronald Colman version gaining an Oscar nomination. It's worth seeking out

#blackandwhitefilm of the day: A Tale of Two Cities, 1958. Stirring Dickens' adaptation with Dirk Bogarde as tragic Sydney Carton and Rosalie Crutchley as a bloodthirsty Mme Defarge battling for lives after the French Revolution on @TalkingPicsTV at 4.30pm youtu.be/B4NWqA_k2Rc?si…

@simonnread Demonstrating a lack of competence again…

The job search continues. When I applied to be a placard maker they asked me to design a public notice, but tutted at what I offered. It was a bad sign.

@simonnread You’re serving up a load of old balls again…

The job search continues. I got a job in the sports equipment factory but got sacked when I made too much noise in the tennis section. They accused me of making a racquet.

@simonnread You’ve always seen yourself as ‘The Special One’

The job search continues. I'm applying to be a waiter. It's not what I'm used to but I'll do anything to put food on the table.

@simonnread They can still be profitable - you have to be alert to the currant exchange rate…

The job search continues. I started a fresh fruit business but after a decent start things started drying up. All that was left were some raisins, sultanas and currants.

@simonnread Runner beans would have been healthier...

The job search continues. I developed some new things for sprinters to eat, but they didn't sell at all. They just weren't interested in fast food.

@simonnread You should take a bow…

The job search continues. My time in the orchestra didn't last long. They accused me of blowing my own trumpet and then sacked me when I turned to violins. Even then I couldn't get any timpani.

@simonnread Why am I knot surprised…

The job search continues. I needed to be top of the entrants at an audition to gain a place at fashion school, but my attempt at a neck decoration didn't win. It was a tie.

@simonnread That’s a shame. Did you ever stage a drama on the relationship between a dictionary and a thesaurus? I know how much you like a play on words…

The job search continues. I had to give up producing plays for theatre, radio and television. There was just too much drama.

@simonnread Sounds like you’re sad - the Simon mayo mourning show…

The job search continues. I was a workaholic investigative journalist but I was sacked after the ketchup and mustard sachets on my desk were stolen. Bosses said I should have protected my sauces.

@simonnread Never saw you as in telly gent…

The job search continues. My career as a TV presenter didn't last long after I got a little paranoid. I thought I was being watched all the time.

@simonnread You’ll never be a fridge magnate..

The job search continues. I lost my job selling fridges after I failed to sell a single one. Customers' faces lit up when I opened the fridge to show them, but after having a look inside they gave me the cold shoulder.

@simonnread You melt…

The seasonal job search continues. I got sacked from being a snowman at the supermarket #Christmas Grotto when they caught me in the vegetable aisle rifling through the carrots. I was only picking my nose.