Nick Reif

Someone remind me to turn off the sprinkler in like an hour

@JesseBWatters fuck you

like snow

Phones eat first. toasters eat second. printers third. the machines have taken over. they’ve built a society. humans have gone into hiding. it’s the beginning of the end.

What’s putin’s @ I got some things to say

Forgot to tell you all that last week I had donuts, pizza, steak and cocktails all in the same day and it was dope as hell

I wish Disney still had 90s balls like when Clayton literally HANGED himself at the end of Tarzan

America is only okay

@elonmusk is her name Shelon Shmusk and it’s you in lipstick

Excited to announce that I’ve hired a new CEO for X/Twitter. She will be starting in ~6 weeks! My role will transition to being exec chair & CTO, overseeing product, software & sysops.

When the dentist uses your chest as a table

I’m at the point where I only start new shows if I know they haven’t been canceled and have an actual ending

I want to become an actor just to be in some bloopers

I have free uber eats delivery for another month because I forgot to cancel. Anyone want anything?

Petition to have 3 disposal cans at each house: garbage, recycling, and “things I don’t want but are in okay shape and someone else could probably use them”

Someone make me the duke of something

Why do on-ramp stoplights feel optional

Where my Tremors fans at

Can’t believe all my feet pics got leaked

Gee the traffic is terrific /s

slava zelensky

Ur alg is off @netflix