mustard clown

The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs

Why do pam and all the others in the progressive insurance ads wear aprons? Feels like I shoulda noticed that sooner but i just did and it bothers me. There’s no fucken progressive insurance restaurant. What the shit.

Eating nothing but produce stickers so I can shit out a cryptogram

Must suck to be a cow and get nauseous like which one of my four stomachs hurt

@okimstillhungry No offense, but you look like you’re contemplating how much you’re about to gamble with a fart

It is with a heavy heart I must announce I have heavy heart disease

Let’s end the debate by calling a hot dog a top loading sandwich

What if Dawn Soap makes oil spills happen so they can sell more duck and penguin soap

I don't hate men. Frankly, they got some heavy hitters. Abraham Lincoln, Weird Al Yankovic

i have an area in my backyard i call "the big stew" it's a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood me: one sec

Instead of buying a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch, I'm going to adopt one from a local shelter

Hey I’m offended by your costume. My dad was killed by a slutty tiger

Keep Honking

Weak guy: 🥹 Jesus: Why you lookin at me like that Weak guy: well, you just said the meek shall inherit the earth, and well, I’m pretty meek ✋🥹 Jesus: lmao, I said “The Shmeek” as in my 13th and coolest apostle. Tell him Shmeeky 😏 Johnny Shmeek: get shmeeked 😎

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos? Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

(Cognitive behavioral therapy enjoyer I just cut off in traffic) Think positively. He is probably in a rush for a reason. Maybe he’s late for a job interview. Maybe his wife is giving birth Me: I’m da king of da highway

I heard my toast spring up in the kitchen like 15 minutes ago but I don’t care. I just don’t care. Fuck that piece of toast. And fuck my life

i just want to say i’m disappointed in modern architecture and it’s distinct lack of gargoyles