Steve Martin

Now also available in Mastodon format @ASteveMartin@mastodon.world Should you feel inclined.

Thanks to @EnfieldCouncil granting an HMO to the property I'm kept awake every night by my neighbours who slam doors, stomp about like elephants, have visitors come and go noisily at all hours etc. Last night I was woken at 5am by one shouting up to be let in. It's making me ill.

@NoContextBrits @piersmorgan The Old Cock and Bull

Name this pub.

I really wish @EpicGames would add an option for their launcher to scan a directory and repopulate your library. Mine suddenly decided none of my games were installed, even though they are right there in the folder as always! Gog's launcher does it, seems crazy Epic's can't 😔

Hmmm I'm confused. No, my mistake, I'm just awake.

We asked @EnfieldCouncil to not grant an HMO to the neighbouring property as they are so disruptive, I rarely get a night's uninterrupted sleep, it's been going on years. After being asked not to, today our security camera caught them climbing into our back garden again!

If you're on the blue birdie and want to subject yourself to me there, too, I just joined. Same name, same ol' guff. So maybe I'll see you there.

@gtconway3d Why does a Trump rally at Madison Square Garden automatically make me think of the end of 1998's Godzilla film? Ah, yes, because it was also filled with dangerous snarling monsters who would have destroyed America given the chance.

Don’t miss President Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden!! Sign up here 👉 event.donaldjtrump.com/events/preside…

@BeschlossDC I'm starting to think this idea of Trump's where they have a sort of Purge deal with the police going all out on violent criminals has some merit. Though may I suggest there's a trial run where it's initially confined just to, oh I dunno, Mar-a-Largo? 🤔

"Make Them Riot."

@DianaMas5 Hiya, I've just noticed you unfriended me on Facebook and wondered why. I've not said or done anything wrong have I? 😞

Whenever I'm asked which is my favourite earthquake zone I always say San Andreas, and I always will say that. People say I'm loyal to a fault. #sorrynotsorry #badjoke

There are reports that #KimJongUn may have executed as many as 30 top officials and diplomats in #NorthKorea Meanwhile, across the gulf of the Pacific, at #maralago, #DonaldTrump watched with envious eyes, and slowly, but surely, drew his plans against his own hit list...

@ArtCandee He'll declare it as 60k for tax purposes.

This doesn't look anything like 60k people.

Finally the week's ban on my main account has expired, which I got for using an extremely common phrase which only a gibbering imbecile would have thought was calling for violence. In the last week I've seen plenty of tweets from people who actually are doing so. Thanks Elon!

Posted by the same idiots who support a guy who says he'll pardon the #Jan6th rioters... 🙄

Of all the questions I have about this photo of #LauraLoomer the foremost is this... Why is the boy cosplaying as Cliff Clavin from Cheers? 🤔 #Trump #TrumpIsALaughingStock

A bunch of 80s groups are planning to tour other solar systems next year, but XTC have said they can't make it. They're making plans for Rigel #sorrynotsorry #StupidJoke

The right does realise that demonising #TaylorSwift this way and accusing her of selling her soul to the devil etc is just making her sound far cooler to those of us who previously couldn't have recognised her tracks if we tried 🤣 #TrumpIsALaughingStock #Trump

Trump cultist just asked me why he's being a misogynist calling Kamala Harris a "Kneel Queen" If he needs it explaining to him then he's too stupid to be allowed oxygen let alone a sodding vote. These people are beyond contemtible.

Can you imagine #DonaldJTrump and #LauraLoomer having wild, unrestrained, sweaty, down and dirty sex? You're imagining it now. Good luck being able to eat for the next week 😋

I wonder if this moron realises that there were more than two dozen assassination attempts on Hitler, so by his logic... 🙄