Andy H.

This marks the 29th year of this hobby of mine. I’ve carried on this “Oscar Party” of seeing each Best Picture nominee each year since 1997. You can check my reviews out at TheAndyHardyOscarParty.com Let me know what you think in the comments. #Oscars #AcademyAwards #Movies

Having a sore throat as a giraffe must really suck

fuck you

Ed Balls

Dudes be named James and it’s just one person.

me: i just miss her, you know? its been so hard since she left. i dont know if i can ever be happy again my hedgehog best friend mitch hedhog: a toothpick saw me walking in the forest yesterday and said "damn it, I didn't know there was a bus" me: *smiling* thanks mitch hedhog

fuck my life. the local bridge troll just found out about toll booths. he’s set up on the interstate stopping each car until they answer his riddles. traffic is absolutely fucked im gonna be so late to work dude god dammit

Why doesn’t 50 Cent just go on tour with Nickelback and call the tour “45 Cents” my god do I have to think of everything?

me: *vacuums up ant* ant: oh no me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled* ant: oh wait

@CJNitkowski Tell Brandon that his dad actually probably wanted to name the dog Chopper instead of Chipper because Chopper was the name of a dog in “Stand By Me” and the source of the classic quote “Chopper, sick [body part]”

telling my wife to stfu so i can shazam whatever chili's has on

starting to run in your 30’s is a great way to meet new people. today i met two paramedics, one nurse and almost God.

Once again hemmed when I should have hawed

owls are bird hardware with cat software.

Whoever named Red Delicious apples was off their meds that day.

They kicked me out of the bar because of my lousy Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonations, but I'll return.

@Jomboy_ @Braves Acuña got picked off tonight when the @Nationals catcher used this move to tip off the pitcher. This tweet and thorough breakdown helped me recognize it.

i guess the mets are just trying anything to see what works

went into dominoes and said "pizza pizza" they shot me in the chest with a rifle

We should've stopped somewhere between discovering fire and filing taxes. We did too much

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Me: Because of something my boss said Interviewer: It says here you were fired Me: That's the thing he said