mεℓɩssα 🇨🇦

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you're already married.

@scrumble_eggs @oeufs_brouilles It's Lasagna

I love that show ‘The L Word’ but they never actually tell you what the L word is.

@SabotagedSmoke Happy bday bud 🍻

Went to sleep 44, woke up 45 😬 Well, that's already 20 years longer than I thought I'd last My birthday wish is to make the world a better place so fellas go buy her flowers, ladies show him a titty or two at some point today, do your part

My brain is broken 🤷🏼‍♀️

Today I woke up super determined to be productive, wrote out a long, detailed to-do list, organized it by importance and length of task, got myself all hyped up with a coffee and the perfect playlist.... and then wallpapered the inside of a cupboard instead 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

@FlynnUnbound 😂

This is how baby shopping carts are made.

If you can't handle me at my hurdy durdy, you don't deserve me at my bork bork bork

Just realized I haven't craved my emotional support pizza since before my breakup 🤔. Fascinating how your body sometimes knows stuff before your brain does.

@VinnysCorner1 The GOAT

Age yourself…. Name the quarterback from your favorite NFL team growing up. I’ll start: Phil Simms

RIP Odysseus, you'd have loved Google Maps.

No one prepared me for becoming 'this is a good box, I should keep it' years old

*Introverts everywhere cringe*

@notsoscarysheri @manofletterz

@mel_pollen @manofletterz Hey Mel! I was trying to find you and i couldn’t remember your handle 🤦🏻‍♀️. I’m so glad you found me!!!!!

People really need to stop messaging me. I used Twitter so I don’t have to interact with people more than I want to lol.

if you love her you'll let her go and if it's real you'll spend a part of every day for the rest of your life wondering what her day is like

"You're overthinking." Actually, no. You're under-communicating, creating confusion, and expecting me to fill in the gaps.

Me to @totinos pizza rolls

@stilljoshy Man Americans get all the cool snacks

@mel_pollen They have em. Haven’t tried them!

Can we please knock this shit off? There are plenty of better ways to get protein than in Doritos, Pop Tarts and Oreos.

@FatherRedMcgee Yesss show me da puggy 😍

Would you let me DM you pictures of my pug?

She's a 10, but I'm dyslexic.