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You're waking up to the news that the Affordable Housing Bill 2023 has been presented before Parliament for consideration, before the 45 days they were given by the High Court dries out, and what a revolutionary work of art it promises to be for hustlers who had been waiting for the freedom they were promised to come tomorrow.
To begin with, the mandatory monthly Housing Levy, which was previously restricted to those with pay-slips alone, has now been expanded to include all employees in the informal sector, because it wouldn't look good if we excluded Mama Mboga from paying tax since they are the ones who voted for us and wouldn't want us to be seen to fail if they can do something about it.
We have taken time to consider the High Court ruling that lectured us on the non-discriminatory principle of inclusivity in levying taxes on all citizens, regardless of gender, tribe, education background or employment status. We would like to thank the High Court bench for bringing it to our attention that there still remained a section of employees whom we hadn't considered for this tax.
Had they not brushed the cobwebs from our eyes, we wouldn't have known that we still had Mama Mboga and Boda Boda people in our corner ready to chip in with the little they collect from their kiosks to see to it that those who prophesized that our Housing Program will fail are brought to shame.
And that is not the only good news we have for hustlers this morning.
Further to this new inclusion of Mama Mboga and Mtu Wa Kinyozi into our Housing tax bracket, we have also come up with affordable measures to ensure that none of our new contributors from the informal sector forget to remit their funds on time in order to ashame children of dynasty whom we beat like Roho Fweny drums in last year's elections.
In the foregoing, we have made suggestions in the Bill that all contributors shall remit the Housing Levy not later than the 9th working day at the end of the month in which the gross salary was due, and any employer who fails to beat this deadline shall be liable for a penalty equal to 3% of the unpaid amount, every month, for all the months that the levy will not have been submitted on time.
For those asking how we are going to ensure compliance to this new affordable directive, we'd love to let you know that the Hustler Gov't has idle Subaru Outbacks with foreign number plates because we already anticipated most of you would want to be have free rides in Gov't vehicles just to prove that you're the real shareholders, and with this new Bill, we intend to give you that exclusive experience that was previously reserved only for Dr Margaret Nyakango and other high-flying state officers.
In the new Bill, the Hustler Gov't shall summarily (and take note of the word, summarily) recover as a civil debt all penalties accruing from defaulting on the Housing Levy, from the entity or person liable to remit the amount.
In short, we have the time and resources to come greet your security guard at the gate when you're away at work and ask him to kindly unmount the expensive television on your wall for us to go auction it to recover our Housing debt which you forgot to send to us while you were playing in the grass over there.
Let it not be said that the Angel responsible for Good News lost his way enroute to Earth and forgot to help State House intercessors with the Lord's work as the whole country waits for them to return from counting their COP28 Daily Subsistence Allowance (DSA) in Dubai.
As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord.
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