CouchParent(tm)

Me in WW3 fighting on China’s side because I accepted Temu’s terms of use without reading them

That kid doesn’t know it now but someday he’s gonna be all grown up, facing life and look back and realize that’s the happiest he ever was ❤️

Not sure if I’ve ever gotten this emotional watching a commercial before The conversations, the memories, the music It all broke me Thank you for making me cry today, Chevrolet

Just visited DHS.gov/wow and all I can say is…

@GaryDaugherty May want to look into how your dispatch center is being run…

He definitely watches @RealCandaceO 😂

BOLO: U.S. Homeland Plot Commander Name: Mohammad al-Hawshani Nationality: Saudi Arabian Age: 21 Affiliation: Islamic State’s West Africa Province (ISWAP) Role: Selected as one of the commanders for al-Qaeda’s upcoming U.S. homeland plot Location: Unknown, assessed to be on U.S. soil This story begins with deception as this is a war after all. The ruse started in the Calmiskaad Mountains, a range in the northeastern Bari region of Puntland, Somalia. After a strike on suspected terrorists there, a Saudi passport was recovered. The passport belonged to Saudi ISWAP member Mohammad Al-Hawshani. It was left intentionally to be found. For al-Qaeda’s upcoming plot, the selection of attackers and elevated positions such as Mohammad’s commander role was not based on battlefield skills alone. Candidates were screened for clean profiles: no criminal or terrorist history, not on watchlists, and so forth. For the most critical operatives, the plan went even further: to render them effectively “dead” in official records. The idea was that leaving Mohammad’s passport at a location likely to be struck would lead one to conclude he was killed, and authorities are far less likely to pursue someone believed dead. That same kind of ruse allowed Hamza bin Laden to plan the homeland plot with relative impunity as late al-Qaeda leader Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri’s deceptions convinced parts of the U.S. intelligence community (IC) he was dead, leaving agencies years behind on his networks and plots. What we know about Mohammad: he progressed through a highly connected selection process reminiscent of the 9/11 hijackers, but with a far broader operational role. Commanders chosen for this effort do more than act as individual attackers; they run portions of the plot on the ground, oversee pre-attack preparation, and manage multiple cells. These cells have varied objectives: some target hometowns and veterans’ communities, some target high-value sites in the Washington, D.C., area (including the FBI building), and others are slotted as suicide operatives for al-Qaeda’s Bojinka-inspired airline plot. Our assessment is that Mohammad is involved in running cells intended to strike in local communities where people live, work, and play. To assume this role, Mohammad required at least two senior approvals. He needed endorsement from the then-head of the ISIS Military Commission, now-deceased Abdullah Makki Muslih al-Rifai. Since Makki was the ISIS official in charge of deployments and of ISIS external operations cells (like Shamsuddin Jabbar’s cell, for example). and he also required approval from the head of al-Qaeda’s Military Commission, Hamza al-Ghamdi (Osama bin Laden’s former bodyguard), because Mohammad’s role is part of an al-Qaeda plot, and as al-Ghamdi leads operations in Somalia for al-Qaeda central. In some cases, commanders were met or hand-selected by Hamza bin Laden or the mastermind of the plot, Saif al-Adel; whether Mohammad had a face-to-face meeting with either is unknown. Mohammad received his Saudi passport on November 26, 2024, and transited through Egypt en route to Ethiopia, which issued him a visa upon his arrival on December 18, 2024. He used Ethiopia as his gateway into Somalia. He left behind all of his documents in those mountains, including credit cards—materials now in the possession of the Puntland Counter-Terrorism Forces (linked below). While he intended to travel to the U.S. under a false identity, both the Saudi government (which issued the passport) and the Ethiopian government (which issued the visa) hold legitimate biometric records for Mohammad. We request, in good faith, that each government (@KSAmofaEN, @KSAmofa, @MFAEthiopia) provide those biometrics to @DHSgov and the @ODNIgov at the soonest available opportunity. We have observed signs of nepotism in some homeland plot appointments, and given Mohammad’s age, we strongly suspect he is a second-generation terrorist. We request that the Saudi government also provide full familial details for Mohammad to U.S. authorities. History appears to be repeating itself: a Saudi national poised to attack the U.S. in a 9/11-style event (although this attack by the sons of bin Laden is far grander in scope and size). If Mohammad had departed directly from Somalia, we believe he could have reached his intended transit point at the U.S. southern border as early as the end of January 2025. If he chose to undergo additional training in Africa, that would likely have delayed him by roughly six months. Mohammad likely traveled from Africa through illicit pipelines to South America, up through Central America and Mexico, and then over the southern U.S. border. Because these journeys rely on many different pipelines, we request information from anyone who may have encountered him along the route: what name he gave, what nationality he claimed, where he said he intended to go in the U.S., and who was facilitating his movement. While such travels are dangerous, we currently assess that Mohammad did not die en route, but welcome any credible, contradictory information. In the U.S., Mohammad was expected to oversee multiple terrorist cells. Cells average five to ten operatives and are generally geographically based. So he would likely not run cells in a handful of states, but is operating within a state and possibly a neighboring state. Then another commander would be in a separate region of the U.S. running those cells. Mohammad’s responsibilities include direct communication with, and at times in-person contact with, homeland attackers on U.S. soil. This presents an opportunity to locate not only him but other cell members. Importantly, these cells are not limited to a single group like al-Qaeda or his group affiliation ISWAP. They are intentionally mixed: IMU, TTP, ISIS, HTS, Haqqani network elements, al-Shabaab, and others may be interwoven within the same cell. Focusing only on group labels risks missing the cells themselves—that’s by design. Al-Qaeda understood that stovepiped analysis across the intelligence community categorizes terrorists solely by group affiliation. Under that system, intelligence officials and law enforcement would fail to identify mixed cells, operating instead on outdated assumptions that al-Qaeda and ISIS do not work together. We ask the public to report any sightings of Mohammad directly to law enforcement, and to more than one authority: local police, county and state agencies, the FBI, and the Department of Homeland Security, given that this suspect is likely in the country illegally and living under a fraudulent identity. Do not confront or question Mohammad if you are not law enforcement; he should be considered armed and dangerous. Please see my linked post below on security considerations regarding this Be on the Lookout (BOLO). If you have information, please contact your local authorities and federal partners immediately. Time is critical. BOLO: U.S. Homeland Plot Commander

He fucking did it again

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked. Buckle up. 12:05 p.m. — It begins. You down the 10-ounce bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR at a college tailgate. The label says “cherry flavored,” but it tastes like someone described cherry to a chemist who’s never eaten fruit. Regret sets in instantly. 12:06 p.m. — You grab a handful of chips for moral support. They’ll be liquified before they clear your throat, but who cares? Life still feels okay right now. Remember this peace. You’re about to enter the darkest chapter of your gastrointestinal history. 12:37 p.m. — The rumbling starts. There’s movement in the depths. You’ve got five pounds of impacted regret in your colon, and you just drank the “human-safe” version of Drano. You think it’s go time. It’s not. You get one sad little snake turd — a warm-up act. That’s the last semi-solid you’ll see for the next 24 hours. 12:57 p.m. — The situation escalates. Your stomach is in full revolt. You have 0.3 seconds to make it to the toilet. Running is risky business — one wrong step and you’ll paint the walls. You pray for sphincter strength like never before as you waddle at Mach 3, pants half down, whispering, “Please, God, not like this.” 12:58 p.m. — Impact. You sit, and the gates of hell open. The explosion is biblical. It hits the back of the bowl with such violent force it ricochets like a sprinkler system. You ask yourself, Is that blood? No — false alarm. Just the ghost of a cherry pie you ate in 2004. The smell is unspeakable. The acoustics? Terrifying. The neighbors think you’re performing an exorcism. 1:06 p.m. – 8:30 p.m. — Time becomes meaningless. You’ve evacuated everything you’ve ever eaten, plus a few ancestral meals for good measure. Your colon feels like it’s been sandblasted with lava. The burn is real. You’re sweating. Crying. Contemplating life. You meet Jesus briefly, but He sends you back — says your mission’s not over yet. 8:37 p.m. — You’re empty. Broken. Reborn. Your butthole? A war veteran. Your spirit? In recovery. You’ll never be the same, but you will survive. Tomorrow, you’ll rise from the ashes, slip into your last clean pair of underwear, and waddle into Walmart like a survivor of gastrointestinal warfare — to buy a new toilet brush and reclaim your dignity. You’ve earned it. Feeling thankful. 💩🙏

Wave One Response: What to Do When an Attack Begins Understanding the waves from the Hamas attack in 2023 could literally save your life. This first wave of terrorist attacks may involve IEDs, suicide bombers, vehicle rammings, coordinated attacks by trained active shooters, or the downing of airliners. Act as if the worst-case scenario is unfolding. So, when what feels like wave one hits, what should you do? For everyday Americans (not in a first responder role), there is only one immediate goal: Get Off the X · Move away from the scene (or, if you are not near the initial attack, return home and go into lockdown). · Find a secure structure or locked room. · Assume more attackers are coming; it is likely not safe to render aid. · Do not touch unattended items. · Move others quickly and calmly. · Take essentials only. · Log off social feeds immediately and any live streams. · Verify anyone claiming to be police. For our Friends in Law Enforcement: 1. Assume you’re the target. 2. Have markings to identify one another. And do not post what they are under this! 3. Prior red-teaming should have identified routine law-enforcement habits visible during pre-surveillance that terrorists could exploit; change them. 4. Add multiple small movements or disturbances meant to mask larger movements. 5. Control scene density to avoid being a secondary target. 6. Check beyond the obvious; there will be IEDs, plan for it. Do not attempt render-safe unless certified. 7. Be aware of sticky bombs. If something is attached to a vehicle/door, back away and do not try to dislodge adhesives or magnets. 8. For suicide bombers: 1, 2, or 3 responders max. Control the arms, take them to the ground to limit blast radius and/or handle with lethal force to the cranium. 9. Please treat any bomb as containing caustic materials and handle initially as HAZMAT. 10. Employ a verification system for friendly arriving forces. 11. Enforce communications discipline and use predetermined phrasing to mask actions—attackers will attempt to monitor and exploit your response. 12. Medical staging and evacuation routing must be planned with contingencies for secondary and tertiary attack waves. 13. Rapid correction of misinformation must occur regarding what the public is seeing and hearing.

Just found out about Monkey Bar Kicking Fights.... and it's a masterpiece

UN is trash

I cannot stress enough how much I FUCKING HATE ELECTRIC STOVES. Anyone who knows how to cook FUCKING HATES ELECTRIC STOVES FOR A REASON. WE DO NOT COOK IN BINARY ON/OFF TEMPERATURES YOU STUPID FUCKING CLANKER ASS WIRE-BACK STOVE.

Rest in peace. Charlie Kirk, 1993 - 2025.

Don’t forget Iryna Zarutska. She, too, lost her precious life at the hands of lunatic Democrats. It’s not just the usual hate-spewing politicians on the left; it’s the activist judges they planted in our justice system as well.

We will never ever forget Charlie.

This is a must watch.

I will go to war to fulfill these words spoken by Erika. "If you thought my husbands mission was powerful before, you have no idea" "You have no idea what you have just released across this entire nation, across the world." "The cries of this widow will echo around the world like a battle cry." "The movement my husband built WILL NOT DIE." She has a fire in her heart that NOTHING will extinguish.

Alright Christians, help an ex-atheist and former Democrat out: Can I just walk into a church and sit down? What about mass on Sunday? Is there anything I need to do in advance? I don’t want to start a denominational argument but where do I go? My family needs to go to church.