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You’re either out there getting it, or you’re at home getting your ass kicked by it.
It changes you.
I was tired. I was worn out. I saw too many problems around me to see any solutions. I got tired of hearing the same shit day in and day out. I wanted to hear something different, at church maybe. I didn’t do the replies, didn’t go through the motions. I just sat there and I listened. I missed both of my first two intended masses and arrived at the 11:30am service. I sat there in a church again, just listening. No replies, no motions. Just listened. Couple of handshakes, hugged a friend. Felt a few drops forming and had to shut them down. Naturally awkward, ok. But I felt peace, it was weird. Not to mention, this was the only place I could find where I don’t deal with that all-too-inclusive subject matter. And when the collection basket came around, I emptied my wallet. Probably $30something ish. Didn’t care because I did care.
“Who the fuck are YOU?!?!”, someone asked me angrily on a Monday. Well, that was fast. Just over 24hrs past communion. I don’t really know who I am, I guess. Do you know? Do you know who you are? Are you a success? Do you think you’ve failed? Are those senses brought about by what our bank statement says? I mean, I know I have a home .. I have a job .. I’m healthy for the most part sometimes .. I’m loved. I have debt? I used to give a shit. All the time. About everyONE and everyTHING. I’m at my worst, caring about other people most. Helping them makes me feel better. Maybe I need to do more for ME now.
I had more time once when I had less stuff. And even that has a price. Or has its prices, you could say.
Four years ago, life seemed the complete opposite. I wasn’t bothered by the outside world because the inside world was good here. I was ahead of bills, I had savings. My stuff was nice. I felt good. But why do I feel so differently now? I jokingly put blame on the fact that I haven’t gone and eaten my good luck charm in three years, a pizza pot pie on the north side of Chicago at a place called Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinder Company. (Avoid the four block long waiting line in the better weather by going in the winter months.) Why do I dread getting up and being at work before the sun? Why does it take so much energy to battle each and every day anymore these days? Does the body make you sick when your emotions take over if your brain can’t solve problems? No, it’s not age. It’s not what it was four years ago, either. Maybe it’s the lack of joy.
How much closer to your paycheck can a service company be than using automatic withdrawals? Execute the human error by “making it easier”. One thing I’ve honestly loved about not watching cable TV is not seeing all the damn advertising. Commercials, commercials, commercials. We’ll be right back after these messages. This week only! Hurry! Buy Now! While supplies last! On Sale! This sale, that sale, rush, go, spend! Ugh. Give me a fucking break. Everything bigger, brighter, BETTER! Right? Colorful, humorous, attention grabbing. Store items placed in specific spots to entice shoppers. Pizazz up front, big items in back, a puzzle of confetti sized items the closer you get to the register. And here’s the thing .. how much of that stuff is really even good for you? Your body? Your soul? I bet a lot of it isn’t good for you. But it’s good for Them. Even if we have to allow 4-6 weeks for shipping. The same item you bought last week is $3 cheaper this week, or something else you bought in the winter is more expensive in-season during the summer. Gas is expensive enough .. but if you purchase an UltimateWash, you get $.10 off per gallon! Because it sells better that way. You actually got money off a car wash you purchased in addition to your gas. Thanks for spending that little bit extra.
There’s people sleeping outside due to being homeless, and there’s people sleeping outside an Apple store for the new iPhone or iPad.
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