Sarah Guzzardo

What was my favorite “reaction gif” as a child? Oh Timmy no. When I was your age we had to respond in person, immediately, and we had only three choices— tiny violin, slow clap or jerk off motion. That’s it. 3 choices. You made the call and you made it fast.

Lotta people out there REFUSING to learn a single lesson. Not on their watch!No sir! Anaphylactically allergic to even a moment’s self-reflection, apparently they could actually DIE if they don’t double down on every misstep they make?? tragic tbh, someone start them a gofundme

@kevinseccia Good advice and one of MANY reasons why the pope would be such a catch. Also this (cars not popes) is the theme of an entire Dresden Dolls song youtu.be/807hyrQiK5A?si…

A good dating tip is to date someone with a very unusual car, otherwise when you break up you will think you see their car everywhere. If you meet someone hot and cool and they drive the car from The Munsters, or like, a giant pumpkin carriage, jump on that!

Thank you to the doctor’s office parking lot for this absolutely unactionable advice

Regulators have given the green light for me and a buddy of mine to merge into one guy

@dlynch_esq Both on the list but not yet!

@MsSarahGuzzardo Well said, and yes, we love Slow Horses too. Did you try Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Beef?

doing dishes and had the thought “the sink helps you with water”. such a hauntingly dimwitted sentence to produce that im actually a bit frightened now. there’s no way the brain that produced that thought is capable of making something of my life. time will tell

May we all be as thankful for the little things as my 4-year old was upon receiving this “Hot Cocoa Train" shirt Kid: A train!! I love it! Me: Yeah buddy and do you see what it’s carrying? Kid: [awestruck] ....Dirt!... [overwhelmed with joy].... and EGGS!!!!!!

@missmulrooney tbf he looks very unwell his mood may be affected by the liver failure 😞

Saw this posted in a food-related group I’m in and I guess I’m just uncomfortable with the way Veggie Santa seems so disappointed in me.

@bnacker Don’t worry — I’m a lady picking up the slack for you (4-5x week, easily)

I feel like I’m being Mandela’d. According to TikTok, every dude thinks about the Roman Empire all the time. I’ve never thought of it, had a conversation about it, never even thought about thinking about it. What the fuck

If this happened to me I would never breathe a word of it to ANYONE. I would burn and bury this secret like a thrice revived horror movie serial killer. I would repress the memory of it so deep I’d forget large swathes of my own childhood and I would be GRATEFUL for the oblivion

“Liking yachts” is a psyop or prank rich people are playing on us cmon. They could do literally anything they want and they’re going to… bob up and down all day like lil sunbaked rubber duckies??? Grow up

@briancgrubb Well I know how I’m filling literally any brief, nanosecond lull in conversation for the next 6 months 🙏

@briancgrubb WHAT

Obviously exercise is first on this list but gotta admit I did not see “daily habit” #2 coming…. onE SiMpLe LiFe hACK 🤪 cnbc.com/2023/08/03/8-h…

@ABrackenPrime DEE DA DAHHH DEE DA DAHHH … DAHDAH! (!it sure was. The minions hum it? Or something? I dunno I figured it out solely from my child’s monotone delivery. All I DO know is am a genius gumshoe, a savant sleuth, a melodic mystery master)

@MsSarahGuzzardo Was it?

7 year old wanted to hear a song from “a Minions movie” (there are 5) did not know lyrics, title, melody or where the song occurred. He said it went “duh duh da duh” and I said “…I don’t know HOW this could be but is it… the Mission Impossible theme?” Sherlock could never

@NewMutant Haha I may have overstated my case for the joyful ease of using a Twitter meme format when in fact therapy is overrated and this issue may only be Paul Simon’s particular deal #notallmen #itsbeen50yearsibethesmaturedemotionally

@MsSarahGuzzardo We are The WORST

Men will literally create a timeless hit song out of a chill melody and a instructional list of 50 ways to ghost someone instead of going to therapy

Spending every minute of the summer beet red and sweating angrily in jeans because I flat out refuse to let the sun win. Absolutely OWNING the sun daily by allowing myself to become a savory human sous-vide until I emerge, glistening, into autumn’s embrace.