Not You Again.

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of the night.

Me on grocery store intercom: I’d like to warn the other shoppers that there’s a hugger on aisle five

nothing more sexier than the way your eyelashes flapping

such kind of kisses feel like we missed each other

she's a piece of art i robbed her pretty heart

My wife gave me full access to our joint bank account and her phone, but she walks into the kitchen every time I load the dishwasher, pretending to grab something.

Question of the day : Who’s on 𝕏 right now?

Hold your tongue and widen your view.

Give your time to the ones who give you peace.

How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says "just cheer up," beat that person with a baseball bat.

You’ve got that look like you’re trouble. Lucky me, I speak it fluently.

Dont worry I know that no dms in your bio doesn't apply to me

You should really spice up your timeline with some little old me

When I start having fun it’s over for you bitches

Just a girl, wondering if the world is ready to welcome her new bangs

Fuck the fucking fuckers before they fucking fuck you But how

If trees give us oxygen,why don't we just put trees in pools so we can fucking breathe underwater

Sleeping on your own shoulder during boring classes is so peaceful until your shoulder starts fucking paining

That’s just betrayal masquerading as love.

She simply asked you, "What are you doing in Italy?" And poof, your post with your selfie disappeared. It's hard to explain that you're Italian, live in Rome, but have an account based in Serbia.😂😂

Oh sure. But when I'm half naked & wearing cat ears? It's all, "HR needs to see you". This is bullshit.