Matthew Shields Esq.

and yer dog

#AI will shag your mam

and yer Da'

Cancel your TV licence

@GlasgowCC Careful, your sectarian agenda is showing

🏆 SPFL Trophy Day 🏆 We want supporters of every team in Glasgow to be able to celebrate their successes but ask fans – including those visiting the city – to please avoid disruptive mass gatherings at Merchant City / Trongate and other public places. (1/4)

Class paying for the SAS innit?

Imagine if the rich spent their money more

@wreck_tech @micro_chop Yup

@fesshole What are you doing with your life?

I'm actually terrified that my boss will catch on to how easy my job is. I spend so much time sat looking busy at my desk so that I don't get given more difficult work. It's not very well paid though so I don't mind being bored half the day.

@fesshole She’s getting rattled

Married with wife and 2 kids. Wife has a male personal trainer who she has started having coffee with after their lessons. Not normally an issue apart from we don't give any time to each other so now it's worrying me. If I raise it I will look insecure about us.

@fesshole Never change

When my wife wants my assistance in another part of the house she just yells my name. I refuse to move unless she actually says "Can you come here please", which she never does, so we're just stuck in a rut of her bellowing my name & me screaming back "WHAT?". It's pretty grim

@fesshole I can relate

My wife bought an expensive and hideously ugly steam cleaner without consulting me. It caused an argument. It's so good but I have to use it in secret so she can't say she told me so.

@fesshole Living the dream

I inherited a reasonable sum of money last year, so I now work part time and hide at my lockup. I'm building a model railway. My family has no idea.

@fesshole CLASS

My wife eats bowls of peanuts with a spoon and it's driving me up the wall. I've asked her to stop but she still does it. It's tearing our marriage apart.

Pizza Guy Who Hasn’t Been Asked to Chuck a Pie in the Sewer for a While Starting to Worry About the Ninja Turtles hard-drive.net/hd/entertainme…

@BBCNews where’s the French retirement age strikes coverage?

Be more French

@theneedledrop De La obvs

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?!!???!

@micro_chop Stakes is High Ghetto Thang I. C. Y'all

What are your three favorite De La Soul songs?