Katie Burch

If you’re not a minority, but still want to know what it feels like to be judged, try vaping in a designated smoking area.

Someone just stopped outside my house, had a ciggie, then kept driving. I can only assume they were a massive disappointment to their parents, as we all are.

@AlDelBene @BeckFlatley @WhoopiGoldberg @thecassassin @iliza @JessicaKirson @WendyLiebman @anylaurie16 @Ruth_A_Buzzi @BonnieTangey @natashaleggero @StephBroadbrid1 @BecDeUnamuno @WhitneyCummings @paulapoundstone Thank you Al for drawing attention to the inactivity of my Twitter account, that’s all I fucking need right now.

HEY! YOU SEEM SMART! who are your favorite female comedians we should follow? Drop em here!! 👇👇👇👇👇👇

Remember when we used to wet handfuls of toilet paper and throw them at the ceiling in the school toilets? Those were the days...

@mattokine Last week.

Remember when you learnt that the little arrow next to the fuel icon indicates which side the fuel cap is on?

Cigarettes should be sold individually and marketed with the slogan ‘Go on, remember the good times.’

Being a cult member for a couple of years has left me quite gullible. I wonder if hypnosis could cure me.

Remember when there was no such thing as poo-joggers? Those were simpler times

@JasonSCampbell Great question Katie, I assume he did it by emulating a man.

@JasonSCampbell How did that guy with shark eyes get a wife?

Daily Wire host claims "comedy is inherently masculine" and that women are only funny when they're "emulating a man"

@_tomcashman Please don’t tweet shit like this while I’m vaping in a hotel bathroom Tom

Steam from my shower just set off a fire alarm and I’m fuming. A shower is water, the opposite of fire. Not only is water the opposite of fire, it’s the solution! (Much better solution than an alarm) My fire alarm impression: Beep beeep beep I’m jealous! Beeep Pathetic

I got an audition to be the voice of an animated hot chip. I’m so excited that the next time a talent manager asks me what direction I want my career to go, I’ll finally have an answer.

I think I just went to my first and last amateur poetry night.

“Miss Burch you haven’t returned your room key... you’ve given me a Dan Murphys liquor card.”

Just clicked on an article to find out ‘how puppies were rescued from a drain’ only to have a virus pop up on my computer. Never again will I let my guard down for puppies.

I opened for @NorahJones tonight. Didn’t swear. Yes, I am amazing. #familyfriendly

I just opened a bandaid with no bandaid in it. First Aid training did not prepare me for this moment.

Got a complaint about my ‘offensive material’ while in the same lineup as Steve Hughes. I must be nailing it.

@1beautifulbogan Stop! Keep going

@_KatieBurch Fuck You... You are amazing and it’s not the number of followers you have that matters it’s what you do with them..

Performing with a lineup of people who all have 50K followers is a great reminder that I am an enormous piece of shit.