Sam Goldstein

My heart is so fucking full. I can’t stop crying.

Hood shit 👯‍♀️

@FixYourLife I’ll ride my bike and kick your butt pal 😡

@FixYourLife fight me

Apparently I joined twitter 11 years ago yay? #MyTwitterAnniversary

The NFL conducting their own CTE research is like me dressing up like my mom for a parent teacher conference.

@SamuelJComroe Sowwwy 😢

@_SamGoldstein I was one slice away from having the best sleep of my life

New service where I come to your house and tuck you in at night. Nothing more. Nothing less. I tuck you in and I leave. How much you paying?

thanks for the laughs!! @SamuelJComroe @_samgoldstein @JamesFreyComedy

@SamuelJComroe This is the funniest shit I’ve seen all day

Judging by how many people don’t know how to wear a cloth mask correctly, if the plane loses cabin pressure no one will be able to put on those masks either.

You know you’re going through a rough spell when you order Mexican food in Iowa.

Lot the will to live in De Moine

Iowa is the prettiest place I’ll never return to by choice.

Today was beautiful in Maryland, started off cold with 32 mph winds, progressed to sleet, then the sun came up, and now there is a sinkhole that may lead to an alternate dark dimension forming off the 895 south. #earthday

@SamuelJComroe I’ll never die

If TMZ doesn’t announce it you didn’t really die

Today is the day!!! My 1 Hour Special Jeremiah Watkins: Family Reunion is streaming free on Amazon Prime 😎

Cant wait to tell my grandkids how I broke the law to go cuddle with a stranger in 2020.

Things are finally back to normal. Every dude in the dudes restroom left without washing their hands.

@SamuelJComroe FUCKKKKKKKKKK

If you’re not drunk at my funeral you will be asked to leave.