the pan-midwesterner

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance] wife: what’s he doing me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family her: what is it me: i... just... told you?

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

if i were a figure skater i would simply do a triple axel every time

my wife just explained to my children that i am not in fact the strongest person in the world please respect my privacy at this time

[phone call] HER: i wish our lives were more like TV or the movies ME: *hangs up without saying goodbye*

if you think about it everyone is either a firstborn or youngest child

what’s up with attachment theory calling them styles? secure, anxious, dismissive, fearful. as if one isn’t significantly better than the rest. no. they’re just “styles” like an active choice. same as your clothes. i’d be secure but that just isn’t my style.

my dad just told me that i don’t struggle with mental illness it’s all in my head

whenever i read advice for better sleep

i just saved thousands on a new car by sending in my four year old to negotiate

i want to be an influencer but like an anti-influencer where everything i do is framed as something other people should definitely not do

Breaking: Woman Who Hates a Messy House Wants Another Kid

you know what rocket money won’t tell you? that you have two subscriptions to rocket money

@JeremyKing_ pita rabbit

@panmidwest Shawarmadctyl

falafelraptor

@upscumbag @speakers0nblast im very sorry

[buying a dog] hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

@geekysteven not yet (barely here tbh) - should i be?

@panmidwest Are you on bluesky yet?

wife: what are you thinking about guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Using a hot dog bun as a wallet