Simon

@Teacherglitter Reading this trying to reject reality.

Sometimes social media is awful. Sometimes it is wild. I always prefer wild.

@anon_opin You must consume all and enjoy it or you don’t like it. Got it, you crazy fool.

You cannot call yourself a fan of a music genre if you only listen to artists from 20/30 years ago and have no knowledge of current artists of that scene.

@fesshole I would eat after eights at 7:30

I have never let a microwave meal stand for one minute before serving.

@OGGrizzler @engineers_feed Got one of these at mine, it will heat water too.

@engineers_feed A toaster. Can't we figure out a quicker better way to toast bread??

What is a severely out-of-date technology you're still forced to use regularly?

@fesshole Also don’t take any advice from strangers in twitter.

@fesshole Tesla and Turing were not appreciated during their lifetimes either. Giordano Bruno was killed for thinking differently. Step forward and change the world.

I can't be seen doing this but I blend together a frozen banana with tea and enjoy the resulting dessert with a spoon. I think it has commercial potential as a healthy ice cream but I'm afraid of being attacked in public as the inventor.

@fesshole What’s green and smells of pork?

I assumed most guys masturbated to Miss Piggy growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s; having mentioned this to friends down the pub; it turns out I was very very mortifyingly wrong.

@anon_opin Wherefore do the masses rail against a tongue in constant flux, striving to uphold that which they deem the rightful manner of speech?

When did people stop saying 'to' when describing where they're going?: "We're going Nando's, We're going Ibiza" etc. You're going TO you illiterate pricks.

@PaddyM04882466 @anon_opin You must know enough to know you don’t want to know more, but knowing what you know, you know you can still play the game even if you think you don’t know enough.

@anon_opin Yeah but that does require you to know about Doctor Who so I'll pass.

I've invented a game called Seven Degrees of Doctor Who. Pick a British actor, male or female, any age, working from 1950 onwards. Then count how quickly you can find a connection with Doctor Who. I have never ever got beyond three degrees of separation. Mostly it's two.

Artemis II is not just going "to the Moon," but rather traveling to meet it at an exact point in space. It’s all about orbital mechanics. x.com/_NafayFarooq/s…

@LibertyCappy Yes

What is his name?

@ColinZafer @fesshole Squeezing your name into the fess would have been easier when you were writing it Colin

@fesshole Some of these confessions are so detail specific that it would be easier to use full names because the likelihood of people having the same names is higher than this incident occurring among more than one family

As a pre-teen in the eighties I would go in the bath and my younger sisters would gather round chanting "bring out the Branston" from the popular advert. I would then proceed to squeeze out a teeny tiny poo to much applause. What can I say, the black & white TV was on the blink.

@_DerekMcHugh_ @fesshole Hercule Perro

@fesshole Agatha Bitchtie (sorry, that was the best dog/mystery pun I could come up with)

Part of the reason i agreed to get a dog was I was hoping to find or discover something interesting like a dead body or evidence of a crime, always read in the local paper that such things were "found by a dog walker". Seven years in and found nothing, gutted.

@fesshole Walking around trying to be the next Hercule Perro

@fesshole Whatever this is

I've let my dog sample every one of my bodily excretions. He seems to like ear wax the best. This probably doesn't need stating but I live alone, except for the dog.

@anon_opin If the average person with no real wealth was dropped into the life of someone who has it all, I don't think many of them could handle it.

If the average rich person with generational wealth was dropped into the life of someone who wasn't, I don't think many of them could handle it.

@fesshole No worries, maybe see you at the next event.

Went to a bisexual swingers party and met a completely naked guy with very large equipment. We fooled around a bit but later I had to leave before he did. Unsure of the correct etiquette, I shook his hand to say goodbye, but then reflexively also shook his semi-erect member.

Drink driving should be something you can pay to do, on a closed circuit with a suitably-prepped car: roll cage, stripped out, a harness, fire suit, and racing helmet. As well as being brilliant fun, the video of your "bloopers" would stop you doing it in public.

@FillsWhales @fesshole nz.linkedin.com/in/philipswale…. Ask this guy, he might confirm all this.

@fesshole I used to get emails from a Philip Swales in New Zealand sent to me about once a year for ten years. A full stop was all that differed my email address from his.

Someone has an almost identical Gmail address as mine, but without the dot between first name and surname. However, Google doesn't care about the dot and I get most of their emails. I just cancelled a golfing holiday to Scotland for them. I can't stand golf.

I'm 41 and work with teenagers, and generally try and keep up to date with lingo and trends to stay relatable, but I think I've hit the old age wall. 6-7 + uncslop + framemogged have broken me. It's all stupid bollocks.