Wildo

[IN THE JUNGLE] Scientist: What are we going to call this new monkey species? Me: Macaque Scientist: *obviously irritated* One more dick joke and I'll end your career!

*fact check system testing* Spoiler Alert: Nikocado Avocado will be featured in the new Fortnite season tomorrow …

@bewgtweets It's all fun and games until they grow up and blame you for their terrifying childhood ...

@Its_Miss_Riss I would have a comment for this, but I don't want to get cancelled and have to show pictures of my toes again to make money. I mean how would I even do that? ... Find out at bignaturaltoes.net

JOURNEYMAN TWITTER: We got this lads, it’s only a matter of time before one of them slips up and we’ll be there to punish their misspelled words!! *evil laughs*

Shout out your crushes, life is short. If 50 of you do it here, I’ll tag all of mine and say why 😘

Tomato: *blushing* Salad Dressing: ... get over it Tom, I'm over you

@PLATINUM2000 Umm ... hired?

*Puts* "Sometimes I'm a poltergeist." On my Resume.

Her: how many children do you want Me: *lowering the menu* what the hell kind of restaurant is this

At my age, I can only provide you with a screaming orgasm if I use spiders right at the end.

no don’t do it

When we're delighted shouldn't it be dark?

@BucMarvin This is so cleverly subtle - love it

The only thing worse than eating salad is paying to eat salad. - Confucius

Laughs when I hear people trying to “digital detox” ... more bandwidth for me

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Her: Uh baby, is it supposed to glow like that? Him: It's a Glo-worm Marsha! What did you think would happen when you rubbed it?

be the reason birds squawk in terror when you go outside

*whispering* A lot of people on twitter appear to have eaten 2 wolves.