Skurt Vonnegut

Dejected, Kool Aid Man whispers, "0h yeah." The swat team takes the building.

If I forget to follow you back, just tell me and I’ll kill myself immediately

The Magic Eye poster of the soul.

I'm as angry as a goth kid with a new stepdad

I think I’m ready to become a local legend that scares children.

We met on the Heaven's Gate dating app

The mattress on the side of the road looks particularly sad today.

@burner9977 You should throw that bitch at the wall

Judgmental ass weed vape

You never even stopped to think that Dr. Pepper could be a woman did you? You sexist POS.

Tired of being treated this way in a store. All I asked was what’s the easiest thing to steal and when she plans on looking away.

@sweetmomissa @LowBudgetMofo I think I'm a lifer 😂

@ThisLocalHater @LowBudgetMofo Please don’t ever leave again 😂

Much to the horror of my wedding guests, I walked down the aisle to Nancy Kerrigan screaming "WHY?" over and over

Wondering what the life expectancy was of the guy that stood in front of the airplane propeller when the pilot yelled "contact!"

Hey guys look at me i can use big words guys guys I know adjectives look look I'm referencing philosophy and literature guyyyysss you're not looking cmonnn

Oh baby why'd you change the station that was Spacehog.

We moved a hop, skip, and a jump away from my elderly parents to discourage them from just popping in.

@LowBudgetMofo Both. Hunter got that dog in him.

Ok, but which one

Once we get all these countries sorted out I'll buy you a new globe.

Asking the taco bell drive-thru employee how much can they give me for 35 bucks

A good sign I might not be normal is that when I hear the word rebellions, I always think about my hair