Skurt Vonnegut

Letting the cop in this gas station know I'm totally law abiding and sane by performing a deep curtsy

i'm trying to give myself hysterical blindness

I usually build my own burgers but bought some premade bad boys bc they have a picture of Shaq on the box

...!

can I pet one of those cute otters like a cat or would it bite me please I must know

i talk a lot of shit for someone with this many stuffed animals in my bed

My narcissism is neurodivergence

Just went to the drive-in and got a hot fudge sundae, then ate it while toodling around town. The entertainment value of toodling is underrated these days. Especially when it involves hot fudge.

@but_milk Poetry

WOW MY GURGLING SHITPIPE JUST BIRTHED A SMALL MAMMALIAN FETUS THAT IS MAKING SMALL WHIMPERING NOISES

Reader, would you believe me if I told you that today is the day of a RECKONING.

I always use one of those motorized carts when I’m at Walmart because I’m an asshole

Get in fuckface, we’re going fuckfacing.

The closed-lip, half-smile is perfect for when society says we are supposed to smile, but we don't want to. Also super effective if you just shit your pants a little bit.

The older I get, the more I realize we're all connected to Van Halen.

My kid has a friend who sometimes bakes cookies for me so yes I do have a favorite child

Road trip to Buc-ee's for jalapeño cheese kolaches and brisket tacos and then go to the weirdest tourist attractions we can find?

She had an inclination to cry, but why? Perhaps a swan had lost its mate. Perhaps a swan had killed its mate in a case of mistaken identity.

@DBStoner Yo

@ThisLocalHater I prefer David, thanks. 👊👊

Hi Dave

J.D. Salinger's full name is John Deere Salinger.

Found my old training potty and shock collar in Mom’s attic.