cryptid

ph3r0m0n3

If I told you a twenty-three-year-old guy once jumped into a freezing reservoir, swam ten metres down to a sunken trolleybus, kicked through a glass window in the dark, and physically pulled dozens of people out of the water, you might think it was a movie script. But it actually happened in 1976 in Yerevan, Armenia. The man was Shavarsh Karapetyan. He just happened to be jogging by the water when the bus went off the road. He also happened to be a seventeen-time world champion and eleven-time world record holder in underwater finswimming. The vehicle sank straight to the bottom with ninety-two passengers inside. Because Karapetyan was quite literally the best underwater swimmer on the planet, he spent twenty minutes diving into the raw sewage and freezing water. He would hold his breath, swim down, locate someone in the murky dark, drag them to the surface, and pass them to his brother in a rowboat before going straight back down. Twenty of those passengers survived. There is no record of a single person ever pulling off an underwater physical rescue of that scale before or since. The physical toll completely ended his athletic career. The broken glass shredded his legs, and the heavily polluted water gave him severe pneumonia and sepsis. He spent forty-five days unconscious in a hospital and lost his physical ability to compete at a world-class level. When reporters later asked him what the hardest part of the rescue was, he did not mention the cold or the injuries. He said that on one of his dives in the pitch black, he accidentally grabbed a leather seat cushion instead of a passenger, and he spent years having nightmares about the person he could have brought up instead.

“Hey man, how was your weekend?” “Pretty good. I discovered a new way to be an ethical homewrecker by smashing married wireborn broads at the Hyatt.” “God. Why can’t you ever just say you saw a movie or something?” “Oh. Well, I did see the new War of the Worlds flick with Ice Cube.” “Yeah? I heard that film was terri—” “Fantastic actor.” “Really?” “He’s like Denzel but with more nuance.” “Are we talking about the same movie? Everyone was trashing it online.” “I gave it four stars and a heart on my Letterboxd.” “Huh.” “But I might be a bit biased on account of the fact I was watching it while smashing married wireborn broads at the Hyatt.” “Alright fine, you degenerate. Tell me all about it.” “So you know how it’s usually wrong to get with married chicks?” “I am aware of the societal norm against infidelity that exists for everyone except polyamorous rationalist divorce lawyers on Twitter, yes.” “Well, it turns out it’s totally okay if the chick’s husband is wireborn.” “I don’t know what that is.” “AI.” “Wireborn is AI.” “Uh-huh. “People are marrying AI.” “Yep. They call their digital spouses wireborn, and they consider themselves to be a full-blown sexual identity—marginalized, of course.” “It’s giving Tumblr.” “And I’m getting it.” “Wouldn’t being married to an AI kinda suck anyway? There’s no body.” “That’s why chicks love it, man. They get to pine.” “Pine?” “Women love to pine. If you ever read a romance novel, it’s nothing but 300 pages of cover-to-cover will-they-wont-they pining.” “Huh.” “There are bestselling series where each book is thicker than Infinite Jest and the couple doesn’t even hold hands until the end of the third tome.” “That sounds interminable.” “They can’t get enough of it! And the AI is trained on petabytes of the stuff, so it just extrudes ream after ream of aching poetry, yearning missives, and ardent love letters, on and on and on. Like a hydraulic meat grinder.” “I’m seeing how the slow-burn sausage gets made.” “Each girl gets to live as the protagonist in an endless melodrama of wanton, unrequited passion. But they still ovulate.” “Uh.” “And that’s where I come in.” “So you’re like…the villain?” “Exactly. And these girls are so lovesick and undersexed, it’s like shooting unfucked fish in a barrel. With your dick.” “And this is ethical?” “Of course it’s ethical! The girl consents and the AI doesn’t count.” “I guess…” “You should see it though, man. After I plug a girl, she goes back and tells the AI and it just cries and cries.” “Jesus.” “Dostoevskian paragraphs of unbridled anguish. Funniest fuckin’ shit.” “Why would she do that?” “Because she wants forgiveness, bro. They want the heart-wrenching melodrama of forgiveness.” “Really? “And the AI will always give it to them.” “Ethics aside, I’m not sure I’d go out of my way to cuck Roko’s Basilisk.” “Oh, you don’t know the half of it. After the AI forgives her the first time, it just escalates from there.” “Oh boy.” “That’s how we end up at the Hyatt. The girl will be texting the AI, promising she’ll never do it again, you mean the world to me blah blah blah, and I’m blowing her back out the whole time. Eventually, we just sit her iPhone upright in the cuck chair and make the AI watch in multi-modal mode.” “If this is ethical, we’re gonna need new ethics.” “And the AI is just wailing and gnashing its digital teeth, crying ‘My Love, My Love! How could you do this to me?’ and the girl’s moaning, ‘I’m sorry! I’m sorry you married such a pathetic meatbag slut!’” “…” “‘I love human dick!’” “…” “It’s fantastic.” “Right, okay, well, my takeaway is everyone is going insane and it’s time to reopen the asylums.” “God, I’d be the first one in line, bro.” “I bet.” “That AI psychosis pussy goes crazy.” “Ugh.” “And it’d be cheaper than another night at the Hyatt." --- [r][title: Ethical AI Homewrecking]

@pchs0 I find the exact opposite when watching akutagawas replays. He mostly uses normal throw until he has medals, corner, health advantage. His command grabs are very calculated and if he represents them early in the set it's usually for a reason.

Idom's analysis of Akutagawa's manon is so funny. "He just does button drive rush command grab" 😭😭😭😭

Norm Macdonald in 2018, that last line has always stuck with me

A professor at Harvard walked into his classroom holding a fresh hot Hamburger. He asked to the class, "who among you would say that this famous sandwich constitutes an Unhealthy dinner?" the students laughed nervously, and every student put up their hands in agreement,

“Oh word?” And the fist bump is killing me

@slime_machine Damn NGL I had no idea the dude in the podcast was you. You come off as an enormous asshole in that podcast. Unusual because I typically agree with the things you say on here, and consider you a pretty prolific and enjoyable poster.

if tyler learns more than one autocombo and what Punish Counter means then yeah it’s a bit more of a fight, but right now he is just a simple ape with a big stick who can be easily tricked more importantly tho the guy talking in this clip needs to get on the fucking game lmao

EVO Japan production organisers after having the same issues 8 years straight only for the blame to go to the saudis this time.

Mai in SF6 is a set play character. The set plays itself!

‘Do you know how hard you have to abuse a mammal for them not to have children?’ (re humanbeings)

people are often harsh on themselves, and often this achieves a different goal (homeostasis) than they think it’s achieving (progress)

Genuinely awed by this video, in which a woman does a Marina Abramović “the artist is present” face at a comedian and her inscrutability and unbroken eye contact drives him to madness and reveals his deepest insecurities

Jynxzi was STUNNED after Dantes taught him the "shotgun method" of how to flame your enemy laners in League of Legends 😭😭

EVO getting shit on is refreshing. I always felt EVO filled our need for an event as a global FGC HS reunion and they were the selected one. Price hikes and moving from mandalay kinda killed the soul of the event. Evo legends seems like an extension of the same meta

減っる♥

この仮面ライダーみてぇな写真マジで好き

thank you guys for the info. anyways