Andrew Markle

Happy (don’t read the comments on any company post about) Pride month! 🏳️‍🌈

@netflix you can send my refund to the same card used to pay for my subscription. Why did we raise prices again? #loveisblind

Pink is just gay red.

I will explain this to you slowly: exercising our right to protest is not obstruction of Congress nor an attempt to overturn democracy. If one were a heinous enough person to do that, they’d likely seek a pardon for it too. But only one of us here has done that. And it ain’t me

Hey @FedEx where in the employee manual is throw the package on the door step?

God made him do it? Mmhmm #Oscars

Give everyone in that room an Oscar for acting like they didn’t just see Will Smith smack the shit out of Chris Rock. Folks just moving on…

Who knew Diddy would be the one to get Oscars back on the rails.

@loverrlylucy My jaw hit the floor!

THAT WAS TRULY THE MOST WILD MOMENT IN OSCARS HISTORY

So when they say the “in sickness and in health part”, how sick are we talking? I get married in a month.

Stop blaming your lack of taste on Covid hunny. #newyearsameyou

Mark: You’re dead inside. Me: I prefer the term “old soul”, but I can understand how you arrived at that conclusion.

@loverrlylucy They are jealous!

I wore a cute dress to work and ill literally never live it down. Youd think I came to work in blackface the way im getting roasted rn

I’d be mad as hell too if Jake Gyllenhaal stopped calling me.

Yeah

Me: *Looking at the body wash locked in a case* Cashier at Walgreens: You want me to unlock it & get you some? Me: Yes, plz. I’ll take that one. C@W: Is this all for you? Me: Yeah C@W: How about some deodorant? Me: Do I need it? C@W: Your total w/ the deodorant is $7.84.

Woman on the airplane next to me: OMG I’m so ready to get my birth control out of me! It gave me contractions for like 6 weeks. Me: Yeah, I’m gay.

You charge your crystals and I’ll charge my iPad and we’ll see who has a better time on this airplane.

“How about we learn to read the room before we learn to play the harmonica”, the flight attendant shouted at the gentlemen in BNA at gate 25.