The Labour Party (Parody)

@PolitlcsUK @theipaper Labour can confirm Wes Streeting and Angela Rayner are negotiating a timeshare agreement for 10 Downing Street. Under this new 'Dynamic Leadership' model, Wes will govern on weekdays, Angela will take the weekends, and Keir will be transitioned into a ceremonial role.

🚨 NEW: A Cabinet Minister says they have now lost confidence in Keir Starmer and expect the Cabinet to move against him [@theipaper]

Hope David Lammy finally gets some sleep somewhere more peaceful than PMQs.

@ZackPolanski This was Starmers attempt last night…

Keep dancing everyone! Join.greenparty.org.uk

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – for ever" George Orwell – 1984

Facial recognition to be 'rolled out' across UK after human rights challenge fails Read more 🔗 trib.al/wFbZBSB

@Goosey30111568 Well yes, we can’t have them embarrassing us can we?

Breaking News. The Gov't has banned all of it's MP's from appearing on GBNews. A total Blackout.

@Conservatives To ensure transparency, we have commissioned a study to determine if there is an elephant in the room.

@PolitlcsUK @thetimes The Prime Minister has been clear: the British people deserve the truth. But they deserve it after they’ve had a nice day looking at the King. To release these files now would be an act of 'unnecessary efficiency' that this government simply does not stand for.

🚨 NEW: The next set of Peter Mandelson's vetting files will not be released until after the King's speech on May 13 [@thetimes]

@trussliz Didn't you kill her, Ms Truss?

On the 100th anniversary of her birth, we still miss her.

@PolitlcsUK We absolutely deny that we tried to find Matthew Doyle a job. We simply 'explored geographical opportunities for his continued excellence.' The fact that he didn't take the job is proof of our integrity.

🚨 BREAKING: No 10 hits back at Olly Robbins' claims - Denies applying "constant pressure", saying "there is difference between asking for updates on an appointment process and the idea of being dismissive about vetting" - On the claim that the Cabinet Office didn't think any vetting was needed, No 10 says there were discussions at the time with Cabinet Office and Foreign Office officials around security clearance for members of the House of Lords, but these talks concluded there did need to be vetting - Denies UKSV were only "leaning against" clearance for Mandelson, saying the vetting body "clearly recommended against" and that this should have been communicated to the PM - Refuses to deny Robbins' claim that he was told find an ambassadorship for Starmer's then comms director Matthew Doyle, simply saying "he left his role at No 10, he didn't take up a role at the Foreign Office, [but] not able to get into personnel questions"

@PolitlcsUK @thetimes The Labour Party can confirm Starmer is currently "shitting bricks". We will update as needed.

🚨 NEW: Olly Robbins will tomorrow accuse Keir Starmer of pressuring the Foreign Office into approving Peter Mandelson's appointment A Whitehall source says he "won’t hold back" and that his appearance will be "box office" [@thetimes]

@PolitlcsUK @breeallegretti There is nothing quite like the heartfelt passion of a backbench MP reading 'Suggested Intervention #4' from a PDF they recieved three minutes ago. It's not a scripted democracy, it's just very well-rehearsed 'integrity'.

🚨 NEW: The "lines to take" script given to Labour MPs for Keir Starmer's statement has been leaked [@breeallegretti]

@labourpress Keir Starmer said on Friday that he did not mislead parliament. Today he said he unknowingly mislead the parliament. This is Starmer. He is responsible for his appointments. He must face his consequences and resign.

Nigel Farage said today on Richard Tice's unpaid tax: "If his accountants have made an error, he will put it right." This is on Tice. He is responsible for his company. He must pay what he owes and face the consequences.

@PolitlcsUK We promised to restore integrity to No. 10. In the past, they lied on purpose. We are now doing it by total accident. If that isn't a return to professionalism, I don't know what is.

🚨 NEW: No 10 has appeared to admit that Keir Starmer unknowingly misled Parliament about Peter Mandelson's vetting "The Prime Minister would never knowingly mislead Parliament or the public"

@PolitlcsUK Angry Starmer is Starmer but a bit more nasal.

🚨 NEW: No 10 sources say the public will get to see “angry Starmer” in the Commons later today

@SBarrettBar We can confirm a thorough, fully independent inquiry has been launched to figure out who this obscure 'Peter' chap is. Keir has appointed Lord Mandelson to lead the investigation.

BREAKING 🚨 I understand that Sir Keir Starmer has just discovered that actually, there is something he describes as "a bit dodgy" About a man he doesn't know, and who you probably don't know, called Peter Mandelson Keir has promised to look in to all this ASAP!

@PolitlcsUK @thetimes Labour is pleased to clarify that ‘Strap 3’ clearance operates on a ‘Need to Know’ basis. As Keir Starmer has spent the last four months ensuring he doesn't know anything, we felt it was only fair to grant Lord Mandelson access to everything instead.

🚨 NEW: Peter Mandelson was granted the UK's highest possible security clearance - "Strap 3" - despite failing vetting This is top secret material only a very small number of top officials can access due to the severe national security risks [@thetimes]

@PolitlcsUK The Labour Party is proud to announce we've found a loophole. Sorry, we mean 'constitutional framework.' Much better optics that way.

🚨 NEW: No 10 has just published an explainer showing Olly Robbins was not prevented by law from telling Ministers that Peter Mandelson failed vetting

@10DowningStreet We are so proud of our PM is doing everything he can to avoid the media right now, evidently, that means soding off to our Vanguard submarines.

@KemiBadenoch In Starmer’s defence, asking basic questions of your staff is quite a lot to expect of someone who’s still figuring out what he believes.

Why does Sir Keir Starmer want to be Prime Minister? It’s hard to know. But what’s certain is that Britain is paying the price of having a PM with no interest in doing the job. Perhaps you think ‘all politicians are liars’. Yet the disgraceful appointment of Peter Mandelson points not just to dishonesty, but to a prime minister too idle to ask basic questions and too weak to face the answers. Even by his own defence (fanciful as it is), Starmer has shown himself lacking in any grip, to be lazy in his thinking and, as it turns out, too idle to ask the most basic questions of his staff. In fact, the real scandal is not the appointment of Mandelson - serious though that is - but the woeful direction of our country under Starmer.

@JamesCleverly Labour would like to clarify that our position is actually getting stronger. By sending out the two sacrificial lambs this morning we hope that every forgets about this by Monday morning.

Labour’s position is getting weaker, not stronger. Are they claiming that the answers were so vague that didn’t know that Mandelson had failed vetting, and they were so inept that they didn’t ask for clarification? Is their defence “we aren’t dishonest, we’re just incompetent”?