CharlieCatFella

It be dangerous out there take this

BREAKING: Candace Owens tells FBI Director Kash Patel’s girlfriend, “You are a clinical retard.” “I would say, ‘Stick to country music,’ but you kind of suck at that too.”

Is 5 benzos too many? Wait around and lets find out together 🌈

@justindeanlee That's a lot, Justin.

The first time I abandoned a girlfriend in the mountains was an accident. We had an argument about something trivial, and she decided to go off on her own for a bit to cool down. I insisted she stick to the trail, but she said she didn’t need me mansplaining how to find her way in the woods. So I dropped it. How does one manage to get lost on a mountainside, anyway? You just walk downhill until you hit a switchback or reach the valley. Common sense stuff. Well, she managed it. When she didn’t turn up by nightfall, I contacted the ranger station and they set out to find her. By 1am, I got tired of waiting and drove home. They called the next morning to say they’d found her in a makeshift den she’d dug beneath a deadfall. She was naked, gone completely feral, her face painted with menstrual blood. A ranger tried to wrap a blanket around her shoulders, and she bit a golf ball-sized gobbet of flesh from his shoulder. So they sedated her and took her straight to the nearest hospital. That was three years ago and she still hasn’t recovered human language. Needless to say, I acquired a taste for it. I’m up to a baker’s dozen now, not counting the one that found her way back to the car before I could drive off. But you never forget your first. Sarah will always have a special place in my heart.

@CantEverDie Handsy

why is his arm in a sling lmfao

@xAsamoahx It couldn't hurt.

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal record?" I said, "No. Is that still required?"

@WhiteHouse Could you?

The goal is not just to reach the Moon, but to stay. 🌘

The aboriginal translator

I needed this laugh today, you all

@MadelaineLucyH G'day cunt

What is the correct greeting when meeting an Australian? a) hi, nice to meet you b) thank you for tolerating me in your noble country c) g’day mate, hot as a barbie out there cor blimey

@lady_valor_07 Bull . Shit .

My husby and I went out to dinner last night, and the bill came out to $200. I left a $50 tip on the table, thinking that was pretty reasonable. But the waiter looked at it and flat-out refused to take it. ​He told us that if we weren’t willing to leave at least $85, we shouldn’t be eating out in the first place. ​I was honestly caught off guard. I felt embarrassed sitting there, like we’d done something wrong. We weren’t trying to be cheap or disrespectful I genuinely thought $50 was a fair tip for that bill. Now I keep replaying the whole thing in my head, wondering if I misjudged it and questioning whether $50 really wasn’t enough.😱 By Angela mcnutt

@iamAtheistGirl 🤦

completely oblivious to the idiocy coming from her brain 😬

@SpookyGhost81 @YourWaifu Uh .. bro

What possesses adult people to do this Like once I was 12 and I broke a controller after losing in mario kart and I’ve never done anything like that since cause I realized how dumb I felt after

@YourWaifu It's called being a moron.

Allegations incoming

@nickshirleyy @capeandcowell People will laugh at you forever, special needs Columbo

@capeandcowell People won’t forget this in 2028

Still blows my mind that a sitting Governor called a journalist a pedophile because he discovered millions in fraud in his state

@capeandcowell Is that what happened?

Charlie Kirk's mentor Jeff Webb has fortunately died after falling while playing pickleball and sustaining massive head injuries. He joins him in hell.