ALAN mini COOPER

@fesshole 3 on a plate, £30

I'm a food critic for a number of major publications. I have eaten in some of the most exclusive restaurants in the world. My favourite dish is my own creation; a pickled onion nestled within a Quaver lightly sprinkled with finely grated partisan cheese & chili flakes. Delicious.

@LifeInKilburn Sirens been constant for 20mins easy

Trouble in south kilburn?

A LOT of sirens and helicopter been out a while in #kilburnpark Any idea @LifeInKilburn Can’t be related to the earlier stabbing in Harlesden??? Hopefully not another one

Once again @VeoliaUK @Brent_Council the bin men leave the bin room at kiwi house, unity place wide open and un secured. Is it really that difficult to close behind them, it literally takes 10 seconds, 2 bolts top and bottom, easy

I have an absolute fear and hatred of whistling. It makes me feel physically ill when I hear it and, if I can, I try and leave the room if someone whistles near me. I can't tell friends or family because I'm scared that all they will do is whistle!

@fesshole Looks like your bum is safe tonight 🤣🤣🤣

Husband likes a sexual act I don't much care for. As a compromise we agreed to do said act only when Arsenal win a match, thinking this would not be overly frequent. Bastard Gunners won't stop winning this season.

@LifeInKilburn @Londonist The mess when the tree drops its buds is awful though (normally all over my car ffs)

@Londonist Our Pigeon trees are sadly famous and been around for a long time x.com/i/status/14693…

That feeling when you're walking through Kilburn thinking "Oo, that tree's budding strangely", and then you realise they're pigeons.

So apparently in @Brent_Council you can park blocking a public walkway if you drive a white van… Closest one been here 2 days, furthest just today. Photo taken approx 8.30am and both still here. @LifeInKilburn if anyone else parked like this we’d get a ticket

@LifeInKilburn Well, it is the “stabby end” of KHR so can only assume …….

Oh dear not a good sign when you spot the ambulance helicopter trying to land in Grange Park and here numerous Police sirens

@LifeInKilburn @Brent_Council @WembleyMatters They barely patrol unity place Not here all night long And when they are they haven’t yet stopped any of the unsociable behaviour in the communal gardens

.@Brent_Council does the waking watch based at Unity Place in South Kilburn patrol the "Granville New Homes" that you have still failed to remediate? @WembleyMatters FYI

@qikipedia Not just rats 😉😉😉

Ronaldo, Casemiro and Varane excluded, name a player that played for both Manchester United and Real Madrid Difficult

Kylian Mbappé and Achraf Hakimi excluded, name a player that played for PSG and Real Madrid Difficult

@JeremyClarkson @sniffpetrol But not impossible Just need to get creative

@sniffpetrol Also. It’s really hard to have a cheeky wank when you’re in an office.

Working from home I've written 28 books, several TV shows, and created the number one podcast in its field. Now fuck off.

@IcelandFoods Cambridge rd, Kilburn NW6 Absolutely ridiculous parking Wheelchair and pushchair users having to go into the road

Awesome courteous professional parking by this @IcelandFoods driver. Not like that’s a pavement or public walkway or anything!!!!

@fesshole Opened in 1990???

My mum and her friend took me and her friend's daughter to Cadbury's World back in the 80s. We were allowed to eat all the chocolate we wanted, which we translated as everything we could. I couldn't bear to eat chocolate for seven years after that visit.

@rickygervais No Because you can find humour in anything if you choose to It’s how a lot of people cope with traumatic situations

@GamerBelleUK @oelma__ K is when I know to bring flowers, chocolates, puppies in with me. Handing them to you at a distance and slowly retreating

@oelma__ K Right Fine

How do you text..

@GamerBelleUK @NotFarLeftAtAll Is c**t an acceptable description?

@NotFarLeftAtAll I'm going with "its a thing"