Jimmy Poodle ☘️

“Timmy, what is it?” “It’s a Velociraptor” “It’s inside me”

Ireland must legalise euthanasia. My grandfather has suffered from gynecomastia since he was 6 years old. Every day is a constant struggle for him. He can’t walk by a building site without being whistled at. You thinks that’s easy for a man in his 90s?

I spat on the clown at my nephew’s birthday party & nobody thought it was funny.

@AmazinglyEnough Oh well, another 80 years & we’ll be dead, thank God.

Grandma’s new girlfriend keeps sticking all the fridge magnets to her fanny piercings. She says her fanny is the only fridge granny should be sticking her hand in.

Is your eye sight more like eye shite? Then come on down to EYESHiTE™ All our glasses are sourced from hospital changing rooms & our happy endings are deemed a foreskin’s worst nightmare. I want £650 for none of the business, @TheoPaphitis. @omid9 wants Chewitts & a Fanta.

The artist formally known as Prince Andrew p.s. I better be the first cunt to have come up with that joke. Fuck you if you beat me to it @TheoPaphitis.

Grandma’s new girlfriend keeps sliding “herself” up and down all the door handles now all the home help have to double up on gloves.

Knife attacks are far less distressing than wank attacks. Don’t believe me? Just ask my bed bound grandfather after I leave his room.

If I can’t get rid of it by the 5th flush it deserves to stay.

Got fired from my job at the abattoir today for laughing too hard.

“I would put a value of between £16.50 and 88 million dollars” I think we need to fire the new expert #AntiquesRoadshow

Robbie the Pope sounds so much better than Pope Leo XIV. He’s fucked it already.

Met Tommy Tiernan once. He’s even more off putting in person. #BakeOff #GBBO #GreatBritishBakeOff

Look at this hot whore. She fucking knows what she’s doing in that suit and that light scarf. And those fucking slip on shoes. She wouldn’t even have to bend down to stick those on. I bet she has a grip like a fucking vice. Pull the fucking skin off it she would. #Crufts

Mushroom isn’t even a vegetable! Cheating cunt. Kill him. #PotteryThrowdown

“POLO HOLES DON’T ACTUALLY FIT INSIDE THE POLO HOLE!” Me at school circa 1994

This woke shit is starting to go too far

Remember when you left school, you’d go back once in a while just to walk around the grounds in the evening & say “This used to be over here” & “They never had this in my day”. I’m at an age now where I can’t do that anymore or I’d be arrested for suspicious activity.