Quarantined Anders

My twitter account is 97.9% pharmaceutical-grade purified humor.

@ronrule @alt_w_v_g See, I knew it would cost less to buy a new dishwasher than the ridiculous home warranty, not to mention the countless mental energy and time it took to actually get it to “work” for the customer. You proved it. Thx.

@alt_w_v_g My dishwasher broke three years after I bought my house. No home warranty. I bought a new one for $1,440 with free installation, delivery, and removal of the old one. Saved $792 by not spending $2,232 on a warranty.

The dishwasher broke My wife said "good thing we have the home warranty" I said nothing I've been paying $62 a month for three years for this moment $2,232 for the peace of mind that when something breaks someone will come to the house and tell me it's not covered I called 47 minutes on hold They sent a technician Arrival window: Tuesday through Thursday between 8am and 5pm My analyst delivers faster than that And he still hasn't fixed the gridlines He showed up Wednesday at 4:47pm Looked at the dishwasher Opened the door Closed the door Touched something underneath Said "not covered" 90 seconds That's faster than my bank lets me prove I'm human I said "what's covered" He said "the motor" I said "what's wrong with it" He said "not the motor" I said "convenient" He said the service fee is $75 I paid a man $75 to open my dishwasher, close my dishwasher, and say two words My analyst could do that And he's not even that good I called the warranty company back 38 minutes on hold Requested the policy 129 pages I read all 129 pages Because that's what I do The coverage section is 34 pages The exclusions section is 58 The business model is right there In the margins Where nobody reads Except me Page 91 says "all mechanical and electrical components essential to appliance function are covered under standard service" Page 104 excludes control panels A control panel is an electrical component essential to appliance function Their own document contradicts itself 13 pages apart I highlighted both Sent them an email Subject line: "Plz fix. Thx." Attached both pages No other context Took them three days to send a technician Took them 4 hours to call me back when I found the loophole Funny how that works They covered the repair Waived the $75 And I canceled the warranty anyway Because a contract that contradicts itself isn't a contract It's a suggestion My wife said "so we're canceling" I said "we're canceling" She said "and the dishwasher" I said "fixed. They're covering it." She said "how" I said "I read the policy" She said "all 129 pages" I said "the exclusions section starts on page 47. The coverage section ends on page 34. There are 13 pages between them where they hoped nobody would look." She looked at me Then she said "you're unbelievable" I said "I just saved us $744 a year and got a free dishwasher repair. I'm not unbelievable. I'm thorough." She looked at the ceiling The dishwasher works now The warranty is canceled And the policy has been read By at least one person Probably the first Make common sense common again Plz fix. Thx. Sent from my iPhone

“If you ever look me in the eye and call my espresso “delicate and fruity,” I will literally suplex your ass into a Walmart parking lot between a 2009 Altima and the garden center without a second thought.” ~me, enjoying a relaxing Sunday morning coffee

new york has the best museums!! for example right now i’m at The Duane Reade looking at a beautiful deodorant through the glass

@KendalPeters11 Imagine threatening to call the cops because a nearby bag was serving too much atmosphere.

My partner was on a bus earlier & said there was a man with a bag obviously containing a lot of weed. Apparently, it stank the bus out & a lady sitting near the weed man threatened to call the police because it was making her feel high!

Every New York business with double doors has one door that opens and one prank door that’s always locked

@HormoneHangover It’s senseless.

I’m deeply sorry I told you to shut the fuck up while I was cooking The West Village Frittata.

My kids think pappardelle and fettuccine are the same thing. Have I failed as a parent?

Fuck it, I’m just calling this The West Village Frittata.

This frittata has the energy of a quiche that got hit in the head.

@Theholisticpsyc Lowkey wanting to disappear and go full hermit mode is literally your brain entering its final woke form. Not vibing with this busted-ass clown world anymore? That’s not a red flag, that’s elite emotional intelligence, bestie.

Wanting to self isolate is the first sign you're waking up. The desire to disconnect from a dysfunctional world is the highest form of emotional intelligence.

Broiling shit on low is completely underrated.

Would you please shut the fuck up I’m mincing a shallot

@NoahKingJr @dadmann_walking Dear God please.

Someone should buy LinkedIn and turn it off

Ina Garten just frisbeed the wild mushroom and gruyère frittata off the roof.

@daddygofish @deloisivete I’m dying. 😂😂😂

I like to cancel lunch plans with friends and then send them reels during the entire hour we were supposed to have lunch.

How has no one made this t-shirt yet?