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Does she do this in multiple settings or just at home? What types of items are being stolen? Has she experienced any losses or tragedies recently?
At that age, the drivers of stealing and lying may include:
1) Poor impulse control (their brain is still developing)
2) Wanting something immediately and not thinking ahead
3) Testing boundaries
4) Seeking attention or control
5) Anxiety, insecurity, or copying behaviour
6) An underlying behavioural disorder that makes empathy difficult
Sometimes, a child can fixate on certain things as a security blanket and becomes emotionally attached. Other times, it's because they haven't developed the skill of delayed gratification and talking about their thoughts and feelings.
The solution will depend on what is driving the behaviour.
As a mum, you can reinforce standards such as, "In this family, we always tell the truth" and "We always respect what belongs to others." Get down to eye level and tell her this firmly (but not shouting) before you make her return the stolen item, apologise to the person who owned the item, and apply the consistent consequence of making her lose an item of value to her for one week whenever she takes an item from someone else. Do this without harshness, just tell her the consequence and apply it even if she throws a tantrum. Be consistent and don't lose your cool. She feeds off your energy. Calmness in discipline and regulating your own emotions are crucial. But she must have a consequence that is serious. Remind her that when she steals from others, they also feel the loss she is feeling. She needs to understand how others feel due to her behaviour.
Then teach her how to talk to you about what she wants, and tell her that sometimes you too want things but cant have them immediately, yet strong people are patient and the best thing you have is her. Tell her this frequently, not only when she does wrong, and embrace her so that she builds emotional security with you. When you notice her talking openly, compliment her for sharing her feelings or desires. Give her more attention when she engages in positive behaviour.
You can also engage her in regular exercises to build delayed gratification - like sitting down in front of a desirable object without taking it (while left alone in a room) - for 1 min, 3 mins, then 5 mins, then gradually increasing up to 15 mins. You can teach self-diversion techniques to use when she is feeling tempted, like singing or reciting some rhymes, counting her fingers, praying, or closing her eyes and remembering something nice.
If she persists in stealing and lying in spite of a few months of these strategies, she may require further assessment.
Using a cane won't stop her. She will eventually stop feeling the pain of the beating, get more crafty and hide her bad behaviours from you. A lot of those who got beaten throughout their childhood are still lured by 419 and, if they could get rich without being caught, they would steal in a heartbeat.
Building good character and life skills takes time and persistence. Don't give up. Mothering comes with many trials. Every mother faces something difficult or shocking when it comes to her kids, but believe in her goodness and understand that your role is to role model, teach and train her with strong values and endurance. She will respect you all the more for it when she is older.
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