Dave

PSA: (Parent Service Announcement) A warning to fellow parents: Alexa can make fart noises. My kids have recently learned this. It’s too late for me, but if your kids do not know this, then there is still hope for you. What’s the big deal, you ask? Let me tell you: 👇🏻

@TSweenster @ChipotleTweets I’ve gotten it a couple other times and it’s never been that low. It almost takes effort to put that little liquid in a container 😂

@ChipotleTweets @thirdbestdave That’s the typical amount, and I’ve actually been charged for it in the past!

@ChipotleTweets This is how much chipotle-honey vinaigrette your store gave me. This is clearly not enough.

@kristabellerina I love that word but I only use it about 4 times a year on average. That way it stays special. Usually when things are moderately to severely preposterous.

It’s preposterous that the word “preposterous” isn’t used more.

@LLGabagoolJay For the next week or so, you will now feel invincible.

I finally used a screw from the random screw collection I’ve been accumulating for 25 years, and I’ve never felt so alive

@Camel_Crushin You should make that your bio.

I don’t have a bio, and never will. Figure me the fuck out.

Not to brag but my nephew just told me the pancakes I made were “actually pretty good”.

@kristabellerina 😂 No one ever does. But they’re never out of stock so that’s nice…

@thirdbestdave I’m sure I can’t agree with that 😬

Not to be controversial, but Pop Tarts may be the best thing to come out of America.

@LurkAtHomeMom I’m all for it! My current method of ignoring the mess is not working great. I’ll be an early investor. Venmo-ing shortly.

@thirdbestdave Hey, it could work.

How about a car with a clean button, like an oven.

@WaltzingMtilda @Convokid22 I’m also a Pop Tart purist. Why mess with perfection?

Pop-Tarts should never be toasted I will never understand people who do that They are meant to be eaten straight out of the package as God intended

My main hobby at this point of my life is taking screenshots of cocktail recipes that I’m never going to make.

@dadmann_walking Thank you!

@thirdbestdave Welcome back

After a 2-year hiatus, I’m changing my Tired_Dad_of_2 name and coming back to Twitter. I will be just mediocre as ever. Most likely worse. Definitely worse.

@zachlanebryan And maybe a second night at Gillette please?!

adding more shows next year

@sydstengel @Ticketmaster @zachlanebryan Especially when the seating map is only half the stadium. Dude is going to need to add a second night!

@Ticketmaster this many people in a queue for a PRESALE? Each person looking to at least get a minimum 2 tickets to @zachlanebryan at gillette? Math ain’t mathing

In honour of my husband’s 40th birthday today, here’s the greatest parenting photo of all time #blessed

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other. I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Everything everywhere all at once is exactly how I’d describe life with kids.