z-a-b

Not me unironically calling fedex to ask if a service they provide is industrial hole drilling

Fight or flight? I just get petrified

Babies need belts too

A grown man who is also a stranger just picked me up four, 2 oz blocks of Sculpey because I commanded him to on the internet

Once a Netflix series leaves Netflix, did it even make a sound?

Not a nazi at Safeway :/

“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?” Mommy: “ughhhhh honey let’s keep walking”

Gender affirming freckles

When you get your phone so dirty and crispy that it develops a paper texture screen protector

I’m my happiest when I live in a home with a nutrition bullet

Baruch atah ado-deviated septum

The guests come at 6 am. They spend 4 hours slaughtering chickens. “Time for lunch!” I say. “I’ve made made only a giant green bean casserole! Oh you’re not happy? At least I made you lunch.”

Anyone know what this is?

I’m literally not kidding

Wait I’m sorry I literally didn’t write my Twitter bio…. Which 2009 SAG awards nominee hacked me…

You can’t call a stripper your friend if you don’t know her name

What’s a bad instrument?

I’m addicted to a salmon dinner

I can text my cousin at midnight, I’m an adult

Draco Malfoy definitely does poppers