Adam Muller

People enjoy going to standup comedy shows on New Year’s because at the end of the night they’re hoping that the last punch line is that this past year was just a joke.

It’s probably just me but the only day of the year I wouldn’t post my 9/11 joke is 9/11.

Okay fine. But who is Travis Kelce voting for? #TaylorSwift

Wait a sec? Is that Trump or Shane Gillis? #Debate2024

“Transgender operations on illegal aliens in prison…” Sounds like a log line for a failed TV show #Debate2024

What the frack is happening? #Debate2024

Are ferrets safe? #eatingpets

Body shaming is mean, but also effective. I wish I could hire someone to show up once a week and tell me how gross I look

When I worked on Wall Street I was told not to put anything in an email I wouldn’t want on the front page of the Wall Street journal. So I ended every email with “The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!”

I had a speech impediment as a kid. I couldn’t pronounce r’s. My parents got it fixed in case I wanted to be a pirate.

Unfortunately, the winner of the debate was anyone trying to raise money for dementia research.

New special now available on YouTube youtu.be/o6K9eafHsrk?si…

A penny for your thoughts adjusted for inflation would be 11,794 dollars for your thoughts

I got food poisoning and it was terrible. Spent 2 days in the bathroom and lost 6 pounds. As soon as I felt better I went back to the same restaurant and ordered the same thing.

The most effective protests disrupt the economy. Walking out of a commencement speech in front of a bunch of graduates who won’t get jobs doesn’t do much.

Why is it a peeping Tom? Shouldn’t it be a peeping Eugene? Doesn’t that make more sense?

I love the feeling after one drink. It’s like the world comes into focus. Like when I get new glasses with an updated prescription. The problem is after one point one drinks I can no longer see.

Ironically the best acting is when they pretend they didn’t know they were going to win

I’m trying to be less judgmental but it’s hard because so many people do things incorrectly

Age is just a number until it becomes a statistic.