Adrian Assman

We should hire the Romans to build our roads

I really miss my babysitter. We should have kept her until I was at least 40.

Lawyer: I'm going to be honest with you, I don't like our chances here.

Just my luck. I can’t catch a break.

Priorities.

That’s about as good as life gets. It’s all downhill from here.

Mom: "Find something you like and put it in the cart. I will pay for it." Me: "We had a deal! No excuses!”

Yoga isn't actually a real thing. Men just invented it for personal reasons.

If that doesn’t bring him back to life nothing ever will.

I’m fine with either option.

Oh shit fam.

It’s not fair.

Airport security: “We have spotted a potential terrorist. Please come with me for additional screening.”