Alexa: Stallion of the Cimarron 🍚

No we weren't talking shit about you! We were just having a collaborative working session to brainstorm ways you could be a better person.

Friend: Hey man you feeling ok? Me who’s secretly taking poison damage but trying to play it off: Yeah I’m good -1 Ough -1 Ow -1 Oof Just a little tired -1 Nrgh -1 Hah -1 Oof -1 Ghaah -1 Kheh -1 Augh -1 Ough Could I get some water? -1 Augh -1 Nrgh

What shoes do corpses wear at open casket funerals you can never see the feet

Acting is wild like every shy movie character who says "I can't stand being the center of attention" was played by a human who fully cannot relate.

@TimGettys @scoopie5 @BlessingJr Tysm gang 💚 your support means everything in my pursuit of stopping that menace spiderman

@scoopie5 @BlessingJr Amazing!!!!!!

@TimGettys @BlessingJr She also wanted pictures of Spider-Man

Rihanna singing the peter pan Whats My kids Name calling their dog 🤝 Oh Na Na

I was at a Starbucks and 'Mr. Brightside' came on and the barista leaned in and whispered "I hate this song" and the manager walked over and put his hand on the dudes shoulder, then took him out back and shot him..he fucking shot him and everyone in the store cheered.

@adambiesman Didn't realize u and Pete had beef

Nothing else to add Pete?

I love Yankee Candles

I’m gonna leap so much this year.

me when the restaurant brings out bread for the table

can't believe I have to say this but please do not hunt me for sport

Sometimes I think I'm ok and then my spotify "on repeat" playlist is like no no you absolutely are not.

Normalize saying "toilet paper" when people ask if they should bring anything to your party.

I cannot describe the terror of going to a chiropractor appointment knowing you had diarrhea just an hour earlier.

Bruh you can't ignore my messages and then thirst comment on my posts. If you're gonna ghost me, take an omnichannel approach.

Rolling up to the party saying wild shit like "this music is kinda loud isn't it?" and "does anyone have tums?"