Andy White - Comedian (He/Him)

Chuck Norris isn't resting in peace. He roundhouse kicked St Peter and sommersaulted over the pearly gates.

When Chuck Norris saw the light at the end of the tunnel he stared at it until it blinked.

Tonight in the Studio! @chortle Hotshots: @AndyJWhite (host), Henning Nilsen, @TalDavies , Alex Lennox, Lawrence Dodd, Daniel Tizon, Kat Higgins, Shawn Uyosa, Mark O'Keeffe & Aalex Mandel-Dallal Doors: 7:30pm Last entry: 7:45pm Approx finish: 9:45pm 🎟 bit.ly/ChortleGleeBham

Treehuggers 1, Flagshaggers Nil ❤️

So glad the Queen isn't around to see this. It would have broken her bank account.

Reposting my brief encounter with the man who has just joined Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Nearly forgot that today is the birthday of Doctor Who. Fortunately, he reminded me next week.

"I think therefore I am what I am." Rene Gaycartes

Actually, Reform do want black faces in ads.

After watching the recent murder on TV, I have a question: Has Selena Gomez lost weight?

Mac Bernie (Andrew McBurney) & Tash (Jack Kirwan) Live at Glee Club This is Tash’s stage debut. Miss you ah kid! ❤️

RIP Norman Tebbit

📆 Sunday: Rough Works, featuring Adam Beardsmore, @JoshPughComic, @LBarpaga, Darren Harriott, @ourladyofFlan, @AndyJWhite, @TalDavies, @kwamedy & James Cook New material from the Midlands' finest comics Tickets 🎟 bit.ly/RoughWorksBrum

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do we stop that squeak?"

I see the new Pope is from Chicago. First pontiff to come from a musical. Here comes Leo in his new white gown For all that mass!

Tickets on sale now and an advance sell out is very likely, so don't wait to pick yours up. Head to totnescomedyclub.co.uk Only £15 in advance, £17 on the door. If you are wanting to eat beforehand, the @rsstotnes will be offering their Wednesday Pie & a Pint deal for £15.

Getting some lovely reviews for my children’s’ novel. I’m really very proud of it. I published it and am promoting it myself, so do spread the word amzn.eu/d/bwPQa8J #selfpublished

The ecosystem hasn't collapsed yet because it doesn't want to let down David Attenborough.

Happy 'Is It Racist?' Day.

@Yoward55 @TheSimonEvans IIRC that story is Descending by Thomas M Disch. Always think of it whenever I step on an escalator.

I had a terrific classic sci-fi short story book as a kid I can’t recall the author but one featured an absent minded shopper who went down numerous escalators before they realised they must have descended 20 floors into Earth with no view to a floor with an up This story resonated that here 45 years later I recall the whole thing We are not drowning or waving but on an escalator downwards having missed the ground floor with no up

This weather is not just unseasonably hot, it’s like the early stages of a Philip K Dick short story In which the protagonist gradually comes to realise he’s in a kind of coma and wired up to a machine that plays the distorted memories of his childhood context to him, but slightly out of sync.