The Arkansas Press

BREAKING: Governor Sanders Pilot’s Nation’s First Mandatory Vacation Bible School in State of Arkansas “Our sights are set on seeing students baptized in our K-6 classrooms during daily devotionals.” DEVELOPING

We used to have a dolphin but I got rid of him because he kept sending me mental pictures of underwater pyramids and two headed snakes.

Also, in the Olympics, they could blindfold a bunch of owls and turtles and just see what happened.

If they had a hot lava touching contest or did some kind of challenge where people walked on snakes in the Olympics I would totally do that.

Wow. Never tried vegan mouthwash. But this stuff really works!

If you don't think there's a talking snake in the woods trying to convince a naked lady to eat an apple what do you even believe?

Eagles are way cooler than horses. That's why Eagles are on money, not horses. But that one horse has wings. He could totally be on there.

Was digging in the backyard last night trying to remember where I hid the silverware and found like 650,000 Atari E.T. cartridges.

With me as V.P. you won't have to find safe restrooms for your kids because they'll be required to carry automatic weapons. #SafetyFirst

I know for a fact that Paul Ryan lets his children watch Harry Potter.

Does Paul Ryan have what it takes to keep your baby from dying in the next Ebola epidemic? No. I can hold my breath for like four minutes.

Paul Ryan can't talk to owls.

Remember, Paul Ryan wasn't governor for a little while. I was. Plus I had to quit because it was time to go on a vision quest in the forest.

The Bible is clear. It's written in plain English. If you can't read it you need to move back to whatever terrorist country you came from.

Trust me. My decisions have been prayed over and are perfectly in line with the Word of God. Also, I can drink poison and dance with snakes.

I knew Trump would win New York because Jesus came to me in a dream with architectural plans for the biggest most beautiful wall in history.