TJ Askegaard

Pretty sure Nick Saban was destined to cure cancer. Then he sold his soul to the devil to be the best college football coach ever and that deal is still paying out.

Me: "Oh, I'm totally an adult." Also Me: "How do I get a primary care doctor?"

@BuschBeer just tastes better in Iowa

It's hard to express how grateful I am that the laptop my work issued me doesn't have a webcam

“The sky’s the limit.” - non billionaires

@TrevinRigel Or you could say that the word suffers from the very problem that it's supposed to solve

@AskegaardTj Nah, it reminds you the need of abbreviations by its very nature.

Kinda ironic that the word "abbreviation" is so long

@jlsm1th Wait, why?

Its super cool that all of our moms have the same birthday. #HappyMothersDay

Wow. I forgot how bad malls suck.

Everybody says that you can't give yourself a nickname, but rappers do it all the time and they're cool as shit.

Oh good, we're back to leaving for work while it's still dark out. #springforward

I love how many things the 'Sniff Test' works for. -Is this food still good? *sniff* -Can I wear this shirt again? *sniff* -Is this person I just met a friend or foe? *sniff* Oh wait. That last one is just dogs. I'm definitely not a dog. I'm a person.

Your 20's are werid cuz you'll be watching a movie and think "oh shoot, that actor/actress is cute." Then you remember that their character is in highschool and feel like a creep. Then you look it up on IMDB and the actor/actress was in their 20's when it was filmed.

I wonder if celebrities that are into weird, messed up stuff budget their income knowing that they're going to get cancelled one day

Tomorrow is Monday

@MikeFalzone mere days after you brought it up on #wtOp Animal Antfarm's cover of Smooth Criminal is at the top of r/music. Coincidence? I think not.

Whoever put Soylent in the beer isle of Walmart is kinda hilarious

Dogs looking after/playing with human babies are the cutest things on the planet. I dare you to convince me otherwise.

I'm not sure I've ever heard the phrase "lose yourself" without (at least mentally) continuing on with "in the music, the moment, you own it you better never let it go-". And I'm not sure I ever want that to change.