SHIRLEY LOST HER SHIT

Middle of nowhere, Alaska. Mom's (and Dad's) final resting spot.

Why is it whenever I see a Hims commercial, the models make me want to start singing that B-52s song, "What's that on your head??? A wig!!!!"

Happy Birthday, Mom. Miss you.

One of the cunts on the HOA board actually said, "Well, she shouldn't have been dressed that way in the first place!" I told her that was all I needed to know about her (lack of) character.

The big bottle of acetaminophen I bought at Costco has a warning that says, "WARNING! Contains acetaminophen!"

I took Oscar out for our morning walk, and he squatted down, I thought to poo, but a very loud, very windy fart came out. Worried it was diarrhea, but it was all gas.

That dude they're paying to play the McDonald's CEO should try a burger with fries on it and jalapenos. Those aren't spicy at all.

I wanted to like natural peanut butter, I really did, but I can't. I just can't. 🤢

Happy Gotcha Day anniversary #13, my love!

Someone on Nextdoor is trying to explain that they followed someone home out of concern for their safety, but the other person misinterpreted it and thought they were being stalked and called the police, who didn't buy his explanation. Ya think????

I bought Oscar this dietary supplement called Perfect Poop. And, well, I guess my vision of perfect poop would be self-cleaning.

@AustinSchnauzer It's not my job to pose for your damn photos! #Schnauzer

Someone went to the beauty parlor today, and this is the only decent photo I've snapped so far, and only because I held his treat for ransom. #Schnauzer

Oh no, someone I unfollowed blocked me! Now, how will I be constantly bombarded with their desperate need for attention????

@AustinSchnauzer I KNOW you're replenishing/updating all your emergency kits, so you've been ordering a lot of cool emergency supplies, and it's like Christmas when you open all the packages!

I'm replenishing/updating all my emergency kits, so I've been ordering a lot of cool emergency supplies. It's like Christmas when I open all the packages.

RIGHT! Same at the vet. You'd be nervous too if you just had a cold, glass thermometer shoved up your ass with no foreplay!

One time, I had to go to an emergency clinic because of an injury. The doctor said I seemed anxious. I informed the doctor that most people who have to make sudden unexpected trips to an emergency clinic, for whatever reason, are probably anxious.

Oscar finishing off my Ancho Breakfast Bowl.

I thought this was a very artistic shot with Oscar laying in front of the fireplace with snow falling in the windows in the background. Hope everyone is safe and warm.

Oscar says, "Damn, dude! This is a serious snow storm!"